After last week of feeling totally useless and depressed, I have to say I got off my butt and went back to working on me. I decided I needed to make myself a priority and to do something about it instead of simply feeling sorry for myself. Not an easy thing to do some days. I have been writing everyday. I am coming at it a little different now. I am looking at it like it is my job. I am setting time aside each day, just couple of hours, and leaving the house for a coffee shop to focus on my thoughts. The first day I did this felt a little odd. I felt guilty about taking the time and not working on things for the house. I quickly got over that. I need this. I need some time for me that doesn’t involve anyone else. These past few years I have been saying I am figuring me out and taking time for me, but that wasn’t 100% accurate. I have been doing things, but it always involved others. Whether it was with the boys, family or friends, I always had someone else involved in finding me. That doesn’t make much sense. “Just being” means just being alone.
I have felt alone since Pat died and the loneliness can overtake you, but I am not talking about this alone time. That is the kind that was thrown at me…or rather something was taken from me. The kind of alone I need now is of my own free choice. It is something I want and need to do in order to continue my way out of the darkness. I have been looking back on my writings over the past couple of years and I am happy to say that when I turn around I am happy with what I see. It was a horrible time, but what I see when I turn around amazes me. It is dark. Very dark and painful. The past. And the view in front of me still has the shadows from the past, but the light is there now. I can see again. There is a brightness that wasn’t there even a few months ago. I just have to keep working way through the fog and darkness to step into the light. I know there will always be a lingering shadow around me that will pop its head out at unexpected times, but I feel like I am making a great deal of progress towards moving forward.
Grief is no joke. Being a single parent is no joke. The struggle is real. Some days I feel as though I am losing my mind. Some days I want to jump in the car and run away. Some days I want to throw in the towel because I just can’t do it anymore. But, somedays are amazing. Some days I wake up and feel lucky for where I am. I think that is the biggest lesson learned from losing Pat….What he gave me, what he taught me, what I went through and what I am still going through has been a gift. I haven’t fully opened that gift just yet to see the true meaning of it all, but the strength I have discovered, and the new perspective on life I have obtained is a great beginning.
Just another day on this journey through widowhood. Just gotta keep moving.