Pat died at the age of 44 years, 6 months and 1 day. That’s all the life he had to live and boy did he live it. Today marks my one day more. One day more is something he would have wanted more than anything. And now here I am… I have been living one day more than he was given to live. Its a day that is bringing me mixed emotions. One, I am realizing how young he was when he had to leave this world. I couldn’t imagine having to say goodbye to everyone and everything right now. I am too young. Two, I am feeling the pressure to truly live life. I feel like from this point forward I need to embrace life and take every opportunity I have to live and love. I am doing this for the both of us. I know I have felt that way since he died, but right now it seems more real than ever.
The past three and half years…I can’t believe we are there already…has been such a crazy roller coaster for me. I have been in the depths of hell and I have found my way out again. There were times I didn’t know what in the world I was doing, where I was headed, what I wanted or if I even deserved any of it. I have been completely lost, alone and frightened. And then there were times of great clarity. Times were I could see an amazing future for myself. I saw opportunities and ideas and dreams that I had never deemed possible before. I was given a new perspective on life and the world in which we live. I discovered my inner strength, realized I don’t give a shit about what others think about me and my choices and started to try to live my life again on my own terms.
This hasn’t always been an easy path…it definitely was not a straight path that my journey has taking me on. But looking back I am amazed at all the self discovery and soul-searching I have done to lead me to where I am right now. I had crazy ideas and thoughts about where I was headed at times. I tried so many different things and routes to take before I came full circle and found my peace again. I found my place. I didn’t think that was ever going to happen again for me. I thought I would be a lost soul forever.
But here I am.
Three and half years later, I am finally in a job that I love, working with people I truly enjoy, comfortable (as much as any parent can be) with raising three boys on my own, I have cut people out of my life and I have found someone new that makes me happy. I am proud with how far I have come and I am aware of the fact that I am just beginning.
I am 44 years, 6 months and 1 day old. I am barely mid-life at this point (at least I hope). There is so much living and loving and learning left for me to do.
And now I am going to do it not just for me, but for Pat…in his memory, in thanksgiving of all he gave to me, for the life he deserved to be a part of….I am going to try to make him proud and truly live.
One day more may be all I get and I don’t want to waste it a single minute of it.