I spent Friday in the ICU with my cousin. It was my first time back to the hospital since Pat had died. We had spent 2 years in a hospital and I had never wanted to return. But I went to the hospital to see my cousin and most importantly to see his family, my family. I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy day, but I knew I could push through it. I tried to keep myself at the level of medical knowledge. Just trying to understand his condition and what was going on. I didn’t want to emotionally connect with the situation because I was unsure how I would feel. I did pretty good for a while. But then I wasn’t so good. It wasn’t memories or flashbacks. It was overwhelming feelings that I can’t put into words. Anxiety came upon me and I couldn’t breathe.
After I left, I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling I had. I didn’t know what it was, until I did. It just came to me as clear as day…I am a damaged soul. Watching Pat suffer and die destroyed a part of me. It took some of my innocence leaving me scarred for life. This is something that can’t be fixed.
When Pat died a huge part of me went with him. And as my heart was ripped out of my chest it left a scar that will never disappear. The damage done watching him fight and die is permanent. The damage is so much more than I thought. Will I ever feel whole again? Will I ever feel complete? It’s not that I need someone to complete me – I need me complete. But so much has been lost and I’m now left to pick up the pieces of me. Without all the pieces there, the picture is not all that pretty. I’m afraid I won’t be able to accept the fact that I am damaged and embrace it and continue on. I’m afraid I’ll be left alone searching for the missing pieces, trying to make it fit together like it was before. I know it can never be…What it has given me is extreme emotions about life. I cry more, I see beauty more, I love more. I am overly sensitive to everything said and done. I feel deeper. This is good and bad. Sometimes I just want to cry until I can cry no more…but the tears just keep coming.
I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of feeling like this.
I am grieving for me now. For all I’ve lost in myself. I didn’t just lose my husband when Pat died…I lost so much more.