So I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to figure out what is going on with me. My head is a mess running wild with thoughts and worries and confusion. I am feeling unmotivated, disillusioned, doubtful and basically scared shitless of what lies ahead. I am not sure how I got to this point. I’ve been doing so well. I feel at peace with Pat’s death. I am into a good routine with being a single parent. I have accepted the new Denise and I am enjoying being her. But there is something pulling me down. I feel lost and scared and I have been driving myself and probably everyone else around me crazy this week trying to deal with it. I am not sad. I am not mad. I am not even confused about what I want in life. I know what I want. I know what I need to do to get what I want. I just have this loud, obnoxious voice in my head that keeps screaming at me and I can not shut her up. I don’t know how to get rid of her or at least shut her down for a bit.
Fear. Fear has taken over all I am and it is holding me hostage in this in between life stage I am in. I want to move forward. I see a path, I see a plan and an opportunity, but she won’t let me go. And because of her pushy demanding ways I am stuck doing what I am doing…which is nothing. Of course I have a million excuses as to why I can’t get going down this path I want to take. We all do that. But why? Why won’t I just do it? Just take
that step…it’s not even a jump anymore. I feel like I have taken the big jumps that I needed to move forward, without looking I must add, and I so far I have survived. I wanted to jump and see where it takes me. But serious, Is this it? It is going to take me nowhere because I am so stuck in my head with the voice of fear keeping me right where I am?
So now what? That is where I am right now. I love that feeling when I figure out what my problem is. It is at that point I can begin to make a plan to make a change. Even though I don’t exactly know what to do, it is a better feeling than not knowing what the hell is wrong with me.
I know what I am doing to myself by making up these crazy things that could wrong. Of course things could not work out the way I want, but in all reality what has gone the way I have wanted in my life? I never in a million years thought I would be an unemployed 42 year old widowed mother of three boys trying to start life over again. But here I am. And I am enjoying most parts of my life. I see that it can actually be a better life than I had before if I could just get out of my head and take the first step down the path I want for myself I know I could really start feel like I am living once again.
I feel like I have been in this spot before, like a hundred times, back at the beginning, Starting over and making a new game plan. Sometimes it feels hopeless because it doesn’t seem to work for me, but its the only thing I know to do. Make a plan, find a way to fix the problem and get going. I get down like this, as I think everyone does from time to time, but I refuse to be a marinator…one who sits in the pain and confusion complaining and not doing anything about it. That is not who I am…ever. I will give myself sometime to feel what I am feeling. Think through my craziness. Cry a gallon of tears. But there is a point where I say enough is enough. Get off your ass Denise and get going. Today is that day. I am giving myself this past week for what it was worth and I am ready to start again…again. As long as I keep getting up and trying to move forward I think I am heading the right direction. As for the voice of Fear screaming in my head, I am ready to shut her down. If I fail at what I am going to try to do, then I fail. It doesn’t make me a loser. It simply makes me someone who wants to live. Living is about learning and loving. There is nothing more I want to do with my time here then to learn and love. So bring it on. I’ve survived worse and I am ready