Lessons from pain

I am not very good at expressing myself with the spoken word.  I have a hard time telling people what I am thinking or feeling..maybe because I don’t want to see the look on their face when  I say it, or I simply don’t want to be judged.  I’m just not good at it.  So instead of saying what I want to say or express, I shove everything down inside and deal with it.  If it’s not something I can resolve in that moment, down it goes.  I shove my thoughts, I shove my feelings…I keep them inside me.  They are mine.  They are apart of my story and a part of my pain.  I try to keep them there because maybe they are deal breakers for people.  Maybe what I want or need is impossible for me to receive.  Maybe asking for it, or saying it out loud makes the thoughts and feelings real and once they are said, they can’t be taken back.  And so out of fear of disappointment, or more pain, I keep it inside of me.

But sometimes, someone says something that acts as a release to the pressure valve inside of me.  Something simple can be said or done, and it triggers emotions, thoughts and feelings that have been locked up inside of me and they come pouring out.   Sometimes they come spewing out at people.  And then I come across as unstable, or crazy or a girls favorite one…hormonal.  When none of this is the truth.  The truth is the release.  My truth is the result of the trigger.  I finally say what was needed to be said.  The thoughts come out about what I want, need or feel without any concern for anyone.

Now, I know this is not the appropriate way to express oneself.  I should be open and honest and have dialogue about my feelings with those in my life.  But the truth is, people say they want this until what is being is said is not wanted to be heard.  And what is talk anyway.  People can say anything.  That doesn’t mean it is true or will ever happen.  People have said so much since Pat died, and how much of that has materialized in my life….pretty damn close to zero.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today.

What am I talking about today?  I am talking about me and my stuffing of feelings.  People see me and think I am doing good.  I am doing good.  I am getting by and finding my way.  I am figuring out being a solo parent, though most days I suck at it.  I am trying to start a new life for myself, but I keep hitting bumps in the road.  I suppose this is normal for anyone.  But sometimes my bumps are people who keep jumping in my way.  Putting their grief, their beliefs on my grief, and their judgment in my pathway.  I honestly don’t give a shit what people think about me and what I am doing….I did for a while, but everyone has a judgment in their mind and none of it changes my reality.  So I don’t care anymore.  I am who I am and I am making the best decisions for me based on my experiences…just like everyone else.

But people feel the need to interject their pain and sorrow and thoughts on how I must be doing or feeling into my life.  I am not a rude person.  I am not intentionally cruel or disrespectful.  I will listen and I will try to make a nice comment in response, but I don’t want to.  I stuff my anger or my annoyance right on down with everything else. Everything I should say or do gets shoved down.  I let myself settle sometimes by doing this.  I think I allow myself to think I don’t deserve all that I want or need or that I am asking too  much from people.  And therefore instead of saying it, I stuff it.  I’m not sure about that one, but it makes sense in this moment.

When the release of these feelings and emotions happen my brain goes into overdrive about what I am doing in my life and the decisions I have made up until this point.  I start thinking about whether not I am truly working for what I want out of life.  I think in general I am, but I think I may have a few priorities out of whack.  I may be putting too much focus on one portion of my life and not enough on others, that in the end may be more important and lasting.  I have been putting a lot of focus on one part of my  life lately..  I think I have been trying to make it more important than it truly is.  It can’t be my  end all be all.  It isn’t a sure thing and if I put all my hopes there I may find even more pain.  I need to find some balances with what I want out of life, because if there is nothing else I have learned in the past few years, I have learned that nothing is guaranteed.

So I am sure I will continue stuffing my feelings and emotions, but with each new release of the pain I am learning about me and my path.  Maybe the things I learn are really just lessons I need to learn and I’m simply not ready to hear the message at the time it is received and so I stuff it until a later date.  A date where I am able to hear the truth and see what I must learn.  Maybe I am simply trying to find a positive out of the pain I hold inside.