Finding my passion was the easy part. I think I’ve always known that I wanted to write…I just never knew what to say. Now I have something to say, but finding the hard part is living the truth of this passion.
Living your truth is a tough thing to do in our society where expectations of how you should look and how much money you should have are constantly shoved in your face. People have their opinions as to how you should be and how you should be living your life. But if you are truly living your truth than those things don’t matter. You know who you are and how you want to live. You listen to your heart and desires and let them shine through you.
This isn’t easy. I still have obligations and responsibilities to take care of. For example, I have three boys to raise and a home to keep up. Let’s just say a paycheck would come in handy. But I am determined not to settle and to not stray from the path I want to be on for this journey of life. I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing what is best for me and my family. I feel balanced right now. I feel content. At least I have been, until this week.
This week brought on the pressures of the world. I started feeling the shadows start to surround me again. The shadows of fear trying to stop me in my tracks and make me turn around and take a safer path. Yes, things would be easier financially if I went back to teaching or found a full-time job that paid the right salary. But everything else in my life would fall out of balance. My boys need me at home as much as possible. Simple logistics would be messed up if I went back to a conventional job. Not to mention the time I have given to myself would be lost. This year of me is only in its fifth month and 
I feel it has served me well so far. I have become so in touch with myself and my wants and needs in life. I am just starting to feel at peace with life and settling into this new normal that people talked about since Pat died. I am finding my center and I am discovering the wonders of life. I don’t want to settle on any ol’ job just to make some money. This week I have been spending the time I want to be spending on writing on searching for a job…a job I don’t want or need at the moment.
I am scared of the future. I am scared of failing. What if people don’t like what I write? What if I can’t make any money doing what I love? What if my dreams aren’t successful? What if? What if? What if? That is all that has been running through my mind the past few days. I am driving myself crazy worrying about the future, when I want to live in the present and do as I am. When the fear sets in it paralyzes you and you can’t make a decision. I can’t make a decision. I can’t listen to my heart. I can’t live my truth. It has to stop… now.
One day more. I believe that if I take this one day to refocus…refocus on my truth, then the shadows of fear will retreat yet again. I will give myself one more day to hide in the shadows before I step out and send them packing. I see that this is an ongoing battle I am going to have to face again and again if I honestly want to live my passion, live my truth. I am terrified to face fear, but I need to live the truth I have discovered. It’s worth the risk to live again. Pat would expect nothing less of me.
Widow with Wings 
Having a conventional job is overrated:). You are doing great!
It always amazes me how despite being different in some aspects we as individuals struggle with the same things. When I think about this journey through widowhood with my son I encourage myself with a swift kick and the thought that you are out there with three boys. I send up prayers for you and your family.
While reading your blog today I first felt like Denise needs to get out of my head. By the end of the read I knew I was truly not alone in this desire to write.
Just keep writing!
Keep going. Trust your instincts and I wish you every success. I am in a similar position and take comfort from your words. You write so beautifully so keep the faith and carry on xx