This path of widowhood is an ever winding road with quick drops that can bring you down. But there are highs that feel amazing too. We go through everyday doing what we do, trying to heal and move forward with our lives. But the truth of the matter is, we take every step with tears in our eyes or at least in our heart.
I found myself this morning crying…I’m not sure the exact reason behind the tears falling down my face, but they kept coming anyway. But what I found amazing, was that I just kept going. The tears started in the shower, and continued for some time after. But I continued to get dressed, and get ready for whatever the day was to bring me. I just kept pushing through even thought the tears were trying to pull me down. I had moments where they took me down to the ground, but I got back up. I always do.
But the today’s tears made me think about how they could still keep coming after all this time. I didn’t think I could cry like this anymore…especially without not knowing why they were falling. It made me think about where I am. Why am I crying today…Here is what I am thinking.
It seems that my post-Pat life has been filled with one day feeling good and the next day not understanding why I am where I am. It’s been a confusing roller coaster of trying to navigate this new world. I shed a tear for not knowing why I feel the way I do.
I have found a little piece of happiness and I want to hold on to it. I don’t want to lose something that could be amazing. Yet I don’t want to force it to be something more than it is. Just because my perspective on life has changed and what I want from life has changed, doesn’t mean everyone else’s has. And I have no right to expect that from anyone. So I shed a tear for the thought that I am going to lose something important to me.
My boys are challenging for me. I don’t know what I am doing with them most days and I am absolutely sure I am screwing them up permanently. I love them with all I am, and still I am constantly yelling and screaming at them. I feel out of control in my own home and I am lost as to help make this a smoother ride for us all. I shed a tear for being a solo parent.
I have chosen to make some drastic changes in my life the past two years, but even though they were of my choosing, I still feel a loss. I still feel that I lost a piece of my identity and my place in this world. I know that my place has changed and there is somewhere new for me to be, but being without a holding spot is lonely, scary and a bit isolated. I find that I am lacking direction most days and on an unknown road, that can be terrifying because I am not yet completely out of the darkness. I see the light ahead and it is shining pretty bright, but it’s still a little too dark for comfort when I don’t know where I am headed. A definite tear or two for feeling lost.
Underneath it all is my broken my heart. I believe my heart has healed over but that scar remains. That scar will always be. I lost something that can never be replaced. The loss took everything from me and rebuilding is exhausting, and painful. All my tears stem from this loss and the damage that it has caused.
I should be thankful for the tears and the sadness…it means I am still here, I am still alive. The fact that I can feel sadness over something other than losing Pat means I have been able to open my heart again and take the risk at pain. That’s a good thing. So I guess I should just let the tears come and use them to wash away the pain and the darkness. I am so ready to step into that light ahead.