My foundation was broken when Pat died. As I try to rebuild, I can’t find the right pieces to use or when I do find pieces, they aren’t strong enough or I am afraid they won’t be strong enough to hold me up through out my life. I had a strong foundation once…the whole fucking architecture of my life was perfect. I thought it was bullet proof, unbreakable. I had it all. But it wasn’t indestructible. A crack in the universe caused my whole world to come crumbling down around me and I was left standing in the rumble of memories and sadness.
But time has passed.
The wound has healed.
But the scar remains.
I have been thinking about where I am right now in my grief process and I realize I am at the rebuilding stage. I have made it through the agony and daily crying spells. I have made it through the why me’s and how can I go on period. I have made it through who am I now and what am I suppose to do time. Now I am standing at the building site of my new life. Staring at it trying to picture what it is going to be like. What my life is going to become.
It is an empty lot right now. Actually, ground has been broken and some basic work has been done, but the real design hasn’t started yet. I have started to lay the foundation. I need a strong foundation, maybe even stronger than the first one, in order for me to feel safe and secure. I know there is no such thing as 100% guarantee of protection from hurt and harm, but I am trying to safeguard against the unforeseen and unknown because I know it is out there and it is a possibility again. I know the damage it can cause. So I am working on building a strong one that can always be reinforced and improved upon in the future.
For one…I have developed a new relationship with God and have reconnected with my faith. It may not look to others like a typical relationship, but it is my relationship and an amazing support system for me. I have also given myself the gift of time to heal and to get acquainted with my new self. I have learned about who I am and what I want…more often than not it has been what I don’t want. I have developed new friendships that are strong, healthy and secure. I have taken the negativity out of my life and anyone who added to it. I have opened my heart to allow for more love and I’ve opened my mind to new ideas. I have tried new career paths and I have been forced outside of my comfort zone…in fact I feel like I live there almost every day.
All of this is the beginning to a strong foundation for the new me.
So what is next?
God I wish I knew. I stand in this spot trying to take the next step. To put that cornerstone in place and move on with the reconstruction of my life. But I am scared. I am always so scared. This is another added bonus of losing Pat. I am so scared of everything…of it being the wrong thing to do at the wrong time. So unsure of my decisions. But what I have recently come to see is that my fear is ridiculous. It is holding me back from what I know I need to do or at least need to try to do. I have been living my life as if I was in living in Groundhogs day…I keep going around and around and end up in the same place, or someplace very similar, which is safe and predictable, but leaving me unhappy and unfulfilled. Fear is the only thing making me take this cyclical trip to the land of miserable. It’s time to break free of this pattern.
I know this.
We all know this.
You can’t keep doing the same things expecting a different outcome. Pretty sure that is the definition of insanity.
But I have to let this go. I need to place the cornerstone of my new life down and begin building something new. Something that will make me happy and bring me the peace I am so desperately searching for. It’s a risk. But it’s a risk I have to take, ready or not. I’ve tried and tried to keep going the only way I knew how. I’ve decided that I need to try something I don’t know how. I have figured this widowhood and single parenthood thing out so far…There has to be hope that I can figure this out too.
I can’t keep complaining about the way things are if I am not going to try to make a change. I hope my new foundation is ready for this because I believe this new life of mine has the potential to be something amazing.