Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not crying on the inside. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean everything is ok. But just because I’m hurting on the inside doesn’t mean that I should walk around with my head held low and tears in my eyes. Wearing a smile means a great deal to people, especially when things aren’t going so well. A smile can hide all the bad that is going on underneath, but it also can show the world that the bad hasn’t won. When you smile you show you’re still in the game…you’re still here and you haven’t been beaten. It shows your strength, your dignity, your pride.
A smile makes you feel good if just for a moment and that feeling may be exactly what you need to get through the day. To have people look at you like your ok, like they don’t pity you or your situation….trust me that means a lot.
I am so thankful. I can’t say thank you enough. I honestly feel like my heart is running over with the love and support my family has received. I do not feel as though I could ever repay all those who are helping me. Everyday is a new wonder as to how good the human spirit is. When you watch the news all you hear about it is the bad…how horrible people are to each other. But I am lucky. I get to see how good people are to each other. I am blessed to have so many good people in my life. I do not believe everyone has as much support as we do and in some ways I feel bad about that, but on the other hand I simply feel lucky. We are wrapped in love and compassion. I will be forever grateful.
Not only am I thankful to all who is giving of themselves for my family, but I am thankful for my husband. Through this time of sickness and worry, he has been supportive of me…all that I do, all that I try to do. He has continued to love me and comfort me through it all. The simple I love you means everything to me and fills my heart with happiness. Knowing he is by my side keeps me going another day. He is my positive push and belief that life is good.
Sometimes we forget to just sit in the moment and say “Everything is good”, “everything is perfect” and simply enjoy the moment. My husband reminds me to do that. To enjoy what we have..each other, the boys, our life. So thank you to everyone, in case I don’t say it enough.
Is there any other way? I never thought so, but now I know differently. Somestimes I find myself not breathing at all…or even worse too many breaths at once leading to a sense of panic. One day at a time, moment to moment, one breath at a time. That is what I am told. I guess that is all I have right now. It’s hard to think or plan too far ahead because I don’t know what’s coming next. I know there is no way to control life, and trying to control everything is a bad way to live, but a little sense of control brings security and right now I have neither, In reality we never do. We don’t now what tomorrow is going to bring, so we carry on as if we have forever doing our day-to-day business of life. Sometimes that business is meaningless, or pointless. Trying to get more money, more things…for what? We run around trying to have more and forget about what is truly important…happiness. Whatever that means to you. Why wait until you retire, or the kids are grown, or you have X amount of money, or whatever…that day may not come. We have to live for today…today. We hear this all the time, but how many of us actually embrace this? Life keeps moving on no matter how we spend our time. I want to spend it right…My husband, my boys, my family, my friends…peace, love. That is what matters. Being happy where I am in the moment. I have always had trouble doing this, but now is the time to change this. Take a risk, do what I dream, no looking back, no regrets. Fear is the only obstacle in my way. No more.
I am going to take each moment one breath at a time. Remembering to breathe and take the moment in. I may not have control over all this that is happening right now, but I have control over my thoughts; control over my breathing. When I start to panic or lose control over the moment, I will breath in and out and take the moment for what it is…One bump in this journey of life. This moment will be gone too soon and we will be on to another. There is truly nothing I can do to change the place I am in at this time, but living the moment right will be a step in the right direction…and eventually, with great positivity, we will continue towards our happiness in a new-found sense of freedom, and love.
So you think you’re gonna mess with us again do you? Well I have a few words for you. First of all you don’t know who the hell you are messing with. My husband is going to beat the living shit out of you! Maybe we took you too lightly last time, because you think you are welcome back, but you are sadly mistaken. You are not going to beat us down and tear us apart. We are stronger than you and we will NEVER give up. You come into peoples lives and make a mess of everything. You care for no one and sorry to say, the feeling is mutual. Who do you think you are butting in on peoples lives and making things a living hell? You are nothing, but a worthless piece of shit that feeds off of peoples bodies, minds and souls. You deserve all that you are about to get. Watch out because this will be the end of you.
We build things brick by brick, but we also tear them down the same way. Usually the demolition takes a lot less time than the rebuild. It is easier to break something than it is to make it right again. We have been torn down; our mind, body and spirit…well not my body, but just the same. Cancer entered our world and shoke us off our foundation. But we triumphed. He beat the shit out of it and we were rebuilding. The remodel was set to be amazing. And brick by brick we were starting to live again.
But just like a wrecking ball smashing a building, our life is crashing in again, The cancer is back. BOOM!
Everything stops and we refocus our energy.