Posted in grief, widow

Just a ramble

This new road I am traveling down keeps twisting and turning and I find myself off-balance and lost in direction all the time.  I’ve written about this before, how I think I am finding my way and then I am thrown for a loop again and feel lost all over again.  I have been trying to figure out where this is coming from and why I can’t seem to make a commitment to this new life.  And I really am unsure as to why it is.  I think it is another piece of baggage that comes along with losing Pat.

I don’t think my problem is not knowing where I am going or what I wan
t because I do.  I think I am unable to commit to anything too far out.  I don’t know where I will be or what will be happening a month from now or a year from now.  Who the hell knows what will be thrown at us today or tomorrow?  I am unable to make a plan and stick to it.  Maybe I am scared that something else will come along better or maybe I won’t be in a good place at that time, or maybe I am so scared of the uncertainty of life that I don’t want to make plans that may never happen, just as they did before.

I really don’t know where it comes from…all I know is that it is prominent in my life and it is taking its toll on me.

Being a single mom of three boys isn’t helping either.

I am doing my best to do what is right by them.  They each have their own paths they are traveling and their bumps along the road are keeping me on my toes.  I want to make the best decisions for them and keep us moving along the road as a family together.  But it is hard.  I feel like every decision is the wrong one for them.  Or if it is right for one, it isn’t right for the other two.

We have come a long way though.  We have worked through a lot and I think we are doing okay right now as a family.  I think we have worked through our grief together and are starting to find a smoother path.  Others may see it differently, but they don’t really know what we have been through, what we have worked through, or where we are headed….that is for us to know alone.

I haven’t been writing much lately…or being on social media and sharing my life.  I am feeling the need to stay close.  Not to share anything with people because that brings judgment or worse, people thinking they truly know how I am…or who I am.  What we show the world isn’t necessarily who we are.  There is so much more to each of us then what we post to facebook or instagram.  I have changed from wanting a large group of support to wanting a small tribe to walk with through life.  I think that comes from the loss as well.

Life is difficult for everyone and I don’t feel that I am unique in the feelings that I feel on a daily basis.  I do think my experience is different from others simwingsply because of the backstory…but we all have a story that molds us.  I am trying to learn from my story and carry on to make a better life for myself and the boys.  That is what we all want.

I don’t know really know what I am talking about today and maybe this post is simply for me to get my thoughts out on to paper and see what I am thinking.  If I don’t do this, then they simply spin in my mind and keep me awake at night and paralyzed during the day.

This is my therapy.  Writing is my therapist…or perhaps you as the reader are.  Either way, it feels good to write again.  I just keep going and keep working and keeping spreading my wings.  I will fly again…That is one thing I am sure of.


Posted in grief, living forward, widow

Come out of the shadows and live your truth

Finding my passion was the easy part.  I think I’ve always known that I wanted to write…I just never knew what to say.  Now I have something to say, but finding the hard part is living the truth of this passion.

Living your truth is a tough thing to do in our society where expectations of how you should look and how much money you should have are constantly shoved in your face.  People have their opinions as to how you should be and how you should be living your life.  But if you are truly living your truth than those things don’t matter.  You know who you are and how you want to live.  You listen to your heart and desires and let them shine through you.

This isn’t easy. I still have obligations and responsibilities to take care of.  For example, I have three boys to raise and a home to keep up.  Let’s just say a paycheck would come in handy.  But I am determined not to settle and to not stray from the path I want to be on for this journey of life.  I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing what is best for me and my family.  I feel balanced right now.  I feel content.  At least I have been, until this week.

This week brought on the pressures of the world.  I started feeling the shadows start to surround me again.  The shadows of fear trying to stop me in my tracks and make me turn around and take a safer path.  Yes, things would be easier financially if I went back to teaching or found a full-time job that paid the right salary.  But everything else in my life would fall out of balance.  My boys need me at home as much as possible.  Simple logistics would be messed up if I went back to a conventional job.  Not to mention the time I have given to myself would be lost.  This year of me is only in its fifth month and livefreeI feel it has served me well so far.  I have become so in touch with myself and my wants and needs in life.  I am just starting to feel at peace with life and settling into this new normal that people talked about since Pat died.  I am finding my center and I am discovering the wonders of life.  I don’t want to settle on any ol’ job just to make some money.  This week I have been spending the time I want to be spending on writing on searching for a job…a job I don’t want or need at the moment.

I am scared of the future.  I am scared of failing.  What if people don’t like what I write?  What if I can’t make any money doing what I love? What if my dreams aren’t successful?  What if?  What if? What if?  That is all that has been running through my mind the past few days.  I am driving myself crazy worrying about the future, when I want to live in the present and do as I am. When the fear sets in it paralyzes you and you can’t make a decision. I can’t make a decision.   I can’t listen to my heart.  I can’t live my truth.  It has to stop… now.

One day more.   I  believe that if I take this one day to refocus…refocus on my truth, then the shadows of fear will retreat yet again.  I will give myself one more day to hide in the shadows before I step  out and send them packing.  I see that this is an ongoing battle I am going to have to face again and again if I honestly want to live my passion, live my truth. I am terrified to face fear, but I need to live the truth I have discovered.  It’s worth the risk to live again.  Pat would expect nothing less of me.