Posted in despair, grief, widow

My endless pit

falling-into-the-endless-pit-of-non-canon-ships-489719Most of the time I feel like I am doing okay.  I am out in the world and living.  But the thrilling part of the grief process for me is that at any moment and for any reason I can fall into a pit of despair.  I usually know when it is coming on and feel as though I am “slipping”.  I can catch myself, refocus on what I need to do and continue on.  It may take a day or maybe two, but I can catch myself before I find myself curled up in my closet or sitting in the shower crying.

But there are timeswhen I can’t help but fall.  It isn’t an all of a sudden a fall, but rather an endless slow motion fall into nothingness.  It begins with…well actually it usually begins with nothing.  Nothing really has to happen.  A thought, or a word or an interaction with another can do it.  The spiral begins.  My head doesn’t know how to shut down.  I can’t turn it off.  Trust me I wish I could if even for a short period of time.  I think and think and think.  My brain has to analyze everything from every angle.   I question my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions.  I’m sure it is the result of feeling so out of control and unsure of what I am doing.  I want to know that I am not crazy.  I want to know that I am okay…that I will be okay.  So I try to be sure that I am not just fooling myself on how I am doing.  In doing this, my brain goes round and round.  I think until it has driven me farther into the pit.  At that point the feeling of just wanting to disappear into it comes over me.  Sometimes I don’t want to keep getting up and moving forward.  Sometimes I want to be left alone and wither away.  I know it is okay for me to sit in my feelings of pain and loss for a moment, but this is different.  This is a more permanent residency of pain.

It is kind of like the desire I have to want to be in the world of the living again.  I truly want that for myself.  BUT…I really don’t. I want to find my place in the world again, but I don’t want people in my business.  I want to share in relationships with people, but I don’t want them to input their opinions or to even to try to understand.  Selfish right?  I am truly blessed to have people who care about me and my boys and want the best for us.  They want to be a part of our lives and they just want us to be happy.   I know that.  But I am grieving.  Grief rears its ugly head again…and so I want to isolate and go it alone.  It’s easier that way sometimes.  The most I can do is focus on what I need to do at that time.  Trying to deal with other people’s dramas or opinions doesn’t fit into my world at this time.  I want nothing to do with it. So what I do is retract from the world of the living.  I step out into it for a bit, and then quickly right back into my bubble.  I am happy there. I feel safe there.  Perhaps that is where I need to stay for a little longer.  I hope people will still be there when I am ready to return.

So this endless pit of despair sucks me in again and I fall and fall downward in a spiral hoping  to be saved from this pain.  I then remember there is no one there to save me…I have to save myself.  And so that is what I do.  I will keep getting up and I will keep trying to climb out of the pit and I  will eventually step back out into the world.  I wish I knew a quicker route than the one I am on.


Posted in Uncategorized

A simple gesture

small3e907b5e58443b790c13e6a817f4a031It’s amazing how a simple smile can change someones day.  Something we don’t normally think twice about can make such a huge difference in someone elses world.  We never really know what others are going through in their lives or in their thoughts as we pass them by in our day.   We often jump to quick conclusions that they are bitchy, grumpy, mean people, but how do you know whether or not they are worried about paying their bills, feeding their children or mourning the loss of a loved one.  We tend to get caught up in our own worlds and forget to look around at the people in the world we truly live in.

Taking a moment to make a small gesture makes a difference in many ways.  Holding the door for someone instead of rushing through, or complimenting them on their outfit, any little thing, can boost someones spirit.  It can help them reconnect with the world and maybe perhaps for a moment, take their mind off of the negative events in their lives, whatever they may be.  It also helps you.  When you do something good, like allowing someone to merge in traffic, or asking to help them carry something, it makes you feel good.  Your spirit gets a boost and helps to lighten your own load.  Positivity is definitely contagious.  Once you start it, you don’t want it to end.  It just feels good.

I recently was blessed to experience such a thing.  My husband wanted to bring in cider and donuts to the nurses in the hospital which are caring for him as a thank you.  It wasn’t enough donuts for everyone and only a simple gallon of cider to share, but it was a thought.   Instead of being trapped in his own world of dealing with chemo, he was thinking of others…that’s just how he is.  What was amazing was  the reaction that came from the nursing staff.  It was as if no one ever thanked them for what they do.  Their spirits seemed lifted and they appeared to happier than the day before.  If maybe only for the day, he made a difference in their lives with a simple gesture.

So if today or tomorrow you can reach out to just one person and do something, anything, a simple gift of a smile, do it.  You could be the reason for their good day.  Who wouldn’t want that?

Posted in Uncategorized

Amazing Strength + Undying Love = My Husband


As I sit here waiting for the doctors to come in and ease our minds, I watch my husband.  This is a man who has chosen me to love; supported and guided me through tough times; he is the father of my three amazing boys.  I’ve written about the struggles I have been through with his illness, but I never took a moment to address him.


I am so proud to be your wife, your friend, your partner.  You is the strongest person I know.  You have fought through this battle with undeniable strength and determination.  You have been through a hell of a lot of shit and have been an amazing warrior through it all.  I couldn’t imagine my life without you and I want to thank you for sharing your life with me.

I will love you ’til the day I die

One thing I have learned from this shitty hand we have been dealt, is that love has no boundaries, and no limits.  My husband has never given up on anything in his life..He is a fighter, a winner, and my hero.