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 Reinvention.  Why should I reinvent myself if this is who I am?  As I look into topics on teenage girls and self-esteem and helping them to live up to their full potential, I read over and over again about self acceptance and loving who you are.  If we want to be strong, independent, emotionally healthy woman, we should accept our gifts, our strengths as well as our weaknesses.  This is what self-esteem, and self-confidence is based on.  If this is what we are told, then why as we reach our mid-life years…our 40’s..why are there books and information about reinventing ourselves as if we weren’t good enough as we are?  Is reinvention the accurate term to be using?  Couldn’t we say we need to make some changes in our outlook? or maybe we need a make over?  That sounds so much less insulting.  As if who we are at our core hasn’t been “right” all these years, that now at 40 we need to be someone else.

I say all this half way joking, because I feel the need to reinvent as I near the big 4-0.  I feel like the first half my life is over, and though it was pretty darn good, I want the second half to be even better.  I talk with my friends about doing a head to toe make over to improve myself.  I think that is a better way of putting it.  I simply want to make some improvements in my life, not change it completely.  When I say head to toe, I really mean just that.  I start with the top of my head..or in other words my hair and work my way down until I have made whatever improvements I feel necessary at this time.  This can mean different things depending on who you are.  For example, I recently cut my short brown bob haircut off into a blonde highlighted pixie with long bangs.  A new look in the mirror, but really a new look at life.  It sounds cheesy to say a haircut can make that big of a difference, but every girl knows how good a haircut makes them feel.  Now think about it when it is a drastic change and you love it.   This leads to a good day!  I feel more positive, sassy and simply more like myself.  That is my real goal…to just do me.  I think all these years I kept trying to be a certain image.  Whether I was conscious of it or not, I always thought I should have long hair.  That’s what pretty girls have, and that is what makes them happy.  Really?  Did I honestly think this?  It is true.  Somewhere in my life, I got it stuck in my thick skull of mine that beauty and sex appeal comes from having long hair.  It has literally been an issue with me for as long as I can remember…just ask my husband, and my hair dresser.  I never like my hair.  I always want it different.  Because if my hair is different, better, longer, whatever, I would be better, different or whatever.  Makes no sense, I know, but that is how I have thought.  I think I have finally let that go.  At least partly.

Being comfortable in ones own skin is what I believe makes you beautiful, sexy and confident.  But how many people can actually say they feel this way.  We usually say things like I hate my thighs, or if my nails were longer, if I didn’t have that pooch in my belly, or something along those lines.  That sounds so ridiculous.  That’s not what would make us happy, it would just help us feel more comfortable in our skin.  But why don’t we?  This is us.  This is who we are.  Why can’t we just be ourselves and be proud?  I don’t really have any answers here, I’m just saying.

So the head to toe make over…my hair was the first to change.  I also went ahead and bought some new make up that would help me devote some more time to myself, which is always nice to do, and have been practicing new ways of applying it.  I do think I tend to get stuck in a rut of doing things, so trying something new ups my spirits as well.  I think that is what I am really trying to do.  Up my spirits.  Perhaps I am starting on the outside and working my way in, but at least I am starting.  I want to spend the rest of my life as happy as possible, and I think I need to be happy with me first.  This is where my life change is going to begin. Where is yours?

Significant moments happen everyday.  The problem with these moments, is that we don’t always realize they are significant until we have some distance from the event and can reflect on the impact they have made.  Unfortunately there are those moments that when they occur…the second they occur, you know they are significant and you know that you will never be the same.  This third significant moment in my life is one of those.  I can remember the moment clear as day and I knew immediately I would never look at my life in the same way.  This day was August 9,2014.

It all began August 3.  My husband Pat, hadn’t been feeling100% for a few days and it seemed as though he was fighting a bug, as we all do from time to time.  We were having our annual “beach” party and had a lot of work to do to prepare.  Unfortunately, he didn’t  have the energy to get up and do anything.  He rested throughout the day so he would have energy for our guests.  He felt bad that I was busy and decided he was going to rake up the beach.  He was working for a few minutes and when I turned to look at him, he was white as a ghost and dripping in sweat.  He was breathing heavy and he looked terrible. He went to lay down and get him self going for the party.  Fortunately, the party was early ending and we were able to go to bed at a decent hour.  He had tried to take it easy throughout the night, but soon after we went to bed, he started to throw up and felt warm.

The next day, he stayed in bed and tried to rest.  He was exhausted within minutes and was white and sweaty.  He went up and down with fevers, and slept a lot.  By Monday he was still feeling terrible, and decided to tell me that he was having chest pains and thought we should go to the doctor on Tuesday.    I didn’t know what to do, so I took him to an urgent care down the street.  They gave him an ekg, which he failed.  They wanted to transport him by ambulance to the emergency room less than 1/2 mile away.  We could see the hospital from the room we were in.  After arguing about the ambulance for a bit, they released him so I could drive him to the hospital.  Stupidly, I didn’t know where to park and found a spot at the bottom of the hill and we walked up to the er.  Poor Pat.  He couldn’t breathe and his heart was hurting but he made it up the hill and was immediately taken back in a wheelchair.  They gave him another ekg, which he again failed.  This meant he was going to be admitted to the hospital.  They tested his blood to see if there were any heart enzymes released which would indicate a heart attack…there were none there.  He was not having a heart attack.  We were relieved and thought he was going to be discharged quickly with  a stern talking too about quitting to smoke, eating better and going to see a doctor for regular check ups.  But this slowly disappeared after day  after day of tests and doctors.   They couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  Not until August 9.

This was the day that changed our world in a flash.  When a doctor walked into our room, looked at our three boys and said we need to get them out of the room, I knew what was coming….