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Loneliness is…

Sometimes I feel alone even when I am surrounded by people I know.  Sometimes I feel alone when I’m walking in a crowd of people.  Sometimes I feel alone even though I know people care and would be there for me in a minute.  I feel alone all the time.  Alone in my thoughts, my worries, my prayers.  I know people want me to let them in.  I know people want to be there and support me along the way.  I know , I know, I know.  That doesn’t erase the ache and pain I feel inside and the loneliness that oozes from my soul.  I can’t explain it, I can’t stop it, and I can’t apologize for it.  This is where I am. This is how I feel.  I miss my husband, my partner, my best friend.  He is busy right now.  Busy with the fight of his life.  And I am in awe of his strength and determination.  He is busy.  I understand that.  But I miss him.  And that is my truth right now.  So I cry a tear for him and a tear for me because we can not be together and that is all I want.  That is all I worry about it.  All I pray for.

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You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. – unknown

This is my daily mantra these days.  People ask how am I doing what I am doing; I don’t think I could do it; how am I getting through all this.  And this is my answer, over and over, You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  What else is there to do?  One foot in front of the other and you just keeping going.  You do what you have to do and you don’t think twice about it.  We are all strong.  There is an inner strength in each and every one of us.  Sometimes it doesn’t show up until we need it most.  The important thing to remember is that it does show up.  We as humans are not wired to give up.  We want to live, we want to thrive, we want to continue on.  What gets in our way is our own thinking.  Our brain starts to spin and we spiral out of control in our thinking.  This turns and turns until negativity and weakness appears.  It overrides our natural instinct to keep going; to be strong.  No matter what you are going through, no matter how horrible your situation may be at this time, you are strong and powerful in your own world.  You can make it through and persevere.  It is up to you to ruse above the negative thoughts and allow your natural instinct of strength to rise out of you and let you shine.

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This is what I want…

justbe

The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  My husband had his stem cell transplant, was away for three weeks and is now home recovering.  This has brought a new focus in our house and on my life.  I have a lot of responsibility on me and at times the pressure builds up and I feel as though I can’t go on…but I do.  I always do.  My kids, my husband, my family is the number thing in my life and they come first.  My mind is always moving and thinking about what ifs, and whats to come.  I am always thinking about the future, what I have to do, and what I should have done.  Worry, worry, plan plan.  That is how my mind works these days…especially at night when I should be sleeping.

I think I am doing a good job.  I am keeping things going as best as I can and my kids are still happy healthy and having a fun summer.  I want it to be as normal as possible at the house.  I get a lot of people offering to help and asking what I need.  I don’t know what I need.  I need this to be over and to have my husband back, but that isn’t what they are offering.  So since that isn’t an option, I never know what to say other than we are good and we are doing ok.

The other night I was sitting with some family friends who was trying to give me support and offer me advice on getting through these times.  This was a well intentioned conversation, but to be honest it upset me a bit. The advice was to take time for myself to talk to a professional in order to vent and talk through my emotions.  This makes sense.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  I think what made me upset, was that I am tired of this.  I am tired of thinking about everything, and analyzing everything, and planning for everything and setting up possible situations and how I would deal with it if it happened.  I’m just tired of it all.  I just want to be.  I want to be where I am in my life and accept it.  Yes, things suck right now, but its not my forever…its my right now.  This is where I am and I just want to be in it.  I want to be with my family and be with my husband and just be me at this time.  I don’t want to worry anymore because what’s the point.  I have no control over tomorrow, let another an hour from now.  Why do I waste my precious time on this earth worrying about things that are out of my control.

So, I always remind myself to Just Breathe, and now I am adding to it…Just breath and Be.  That’s all I can do and honestly, its all I can do.

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My Cup Runneth Over

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I am so thankful.  I can’t say thank you enough.  I honestly feel like my heart is running over with the love and support my family has received.  I do not feel as though I could ever repay all those who are helping me.  Everyday is a new wonder as to how good the human spirit is.  When you watch the news all you hear about it is the bad…how horrible people are to each other.  But I am lucky.  I get to see how good people are to each other.  I am blessed to have so many good people in my life.  I do not believe everyone has as much support as we do and in some ways I feel bad about that, but on the other hand I simply feel lucky.  We are wrapped in love and compassion.  I will be forever grateful.  

Not only am I thankful to all who is giving of themselves for my family, but I am thankful for my husband.  Through this time of sickness and worry, he has been supportive of me…all that I do, all that I try to do.  He has continued to love me and comfort me through it all.  The simple I love you means everything to me and fills my heart with happiness.  Knowing he is by my side keeps me going another day.  He is my positive push and belief that life is good.  

Sometimes we forget to just sit in the moment and say “Everything is good”, “everything is perfect” and simply enjoy the moment.  My husband reminds me to do that.  To enjoy what we have..each other, the boys, our life.  So thank you to everyone, in case I don’t say it enough. 

 

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Just Breathe

ImageIs there any other way?  I never thought so, but now I know differently.  Somestimes I find myself not breathing at all…or even worse too many breaths at once leading to a sense of panic.  One day at a time, moment to moment, one breath at a time.  That is what I am told.  I guess that is all I have right now.  It’s hard to think or plan too far ahead because I don’t know what’s coming next.  I know there is no way to control life, and trying to control everything is a bad way to live, but a little sense of control brings security and right now I have neither,  In reality we never do.  We don’t now what tomorrow is going to bring, so we carry on as if we have forever doing our day-to-day business of life.  Sometimes that business is meaningless, or pointless.  Trying to get more money, more things…for what?  We run around trying to have more and forget about what is truly important…happiness.  Whatever that means to you.  Why wait until you retire, or the kids are grown, or you have X amount of money, or whatever…that day may not come.  We have to live for today…today.  We hear this all the time, but how many of us actually embrace this?  Life keeps moving on no matter how we spend our time.  I want to spend it right…My husband, my boys, my family, my friends…peace, love.  That is what matters.  Being happy where I am in the moment.  I have always had trouble doing this, but now is the time to change this.  Take a risk, do what I dream, no looking back, no regrets.  Fear is the only obstacle in my way.  No more.

I am going to take each moment one breath at a time.  Remembering to breathe and take the moment in.  I may not have control over all this that is happening right now, but I have control over my thoughts; control over my breathing.  When I start to panic or lose control over the moment, I will breath in and out and take the moment for what it is…One bump in this journey of life.  This moment will be gone too soon and we will be on to another.  There is truly nothing I can do to change the place I am in at this time, but living the moment right will be a step in the right direction…and eventually, with great positivity, we will continue towards our happiness in a new-found sense of freedom, and love. 

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Hey Cancer…Watch your back!

ImageSo you think you’re gonna mess with us again do you?  Well I have a few words for you.  First of all you don’t know who the hell you are messing with.  My husband is going to beat the living shit out of you!  Maybe we took you too lightly last time, because you think you are welcome back, but you are sadly mistaken.  You are not going to beat us down and tear us apart.  We are stronger than you and we will NEVER give up.  You come into peoples lives and make a mess of everything.  You care for no one and sorry to say, the feeling is mutual.  Who do you think you are butting in on peoples lives and making things a living hell?  You are nothing, but a worthless piece of shit that feeds off of peoples bodies, minds and souls.  You deserve all that you are about to get.  Watch out because this will be the end of you.

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Brick by Brick

ImageWe build things brick by brick, but we also tear them down the same way.  Usually the demolition takes a lot less time than the rebuild.  It is easier to break something than it is to make it right again.  We have been torn down; our mind, body and spirit…well not my body, but just the same.  Cancer entered our world and shoke us off our foundation.  But we triumphed.  He beat the shit out of it and we were rebuilding.  The remodel was set to be amazing.  And brick by brick we were starting to live again.

But just like a wrecking ball smashing a building, our life is crashing in again,  The cancer is back.  BOOM!

Everything stops and we refocus our energy.  

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Amazing Strength + Undying Love = My Husband

hero

As I sit here waiting for the doctors to come in and ease our minds, I watch my husband.  This is a man who has chosen me to love; supported and guided me through tough times; he is the father of my three amazing boys.  I’ve written about the struggles I have been through with his illness, but I never took a moment to address him.

Pat,

I am so proud to be your wife, your friend, your partner.  You is the strongest person I know.  You have fought through this battle with undeniable strength and determination.  You have been through a hell of a lot of shit and have been an amazing warrior through it all.  I couldn’t imagine my life without you and I want to thank you for sharing your life with me.

I will love you ’til the day I die

One thing I have learned from this shitty hand we have been dealt, is that love has no boundaries, and no limits.  My husband has never given up on anything in his life..He is a fighter, a winner, and my hero.

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And here we go again

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The pain of watching a loved one suffer is indescribable.  Sitting by helpless, not being able to do anything to ease their pain or protect them is heart crushing.  I sat by for five months as my husband suffered through chemotherapy; simply watching him twist and turn in pain, toss and turn in his sleep and lose his hair.  I couldn’t do anything.  I tried to do what I could.  Take care of the kids, the house, the necessities of day-to-day living.  I wanted to give him everything I had to offer during this time.  When the news of remission came to us late December we were overjoyed with relief and joy.  We were ready to close that chapter and begin a new one together.  We didn’t know where we were headed, but we were doing it together.

And now this.  Little by little, tiredness has returned.  An overall feeling of ickiness.  Is it the effects of the chemotherapy leaving his body?  Is he sick from the flu or another bug that’s going around?  Then a headache that won’t go away.  His eye is killing him and the pain in his head is unrelenting.  He takes what he can until he feels we need to figure out what is going on and get some medicine to take away the pain.  Off to the hospital.

So here we go again.  He’s laying there in pain; he can’t handle the light, or sound, or even smells.  I know it’s not about me AT ALL, but I can’t help but feeling I am causing him more pain.  That makes it even harder.  Now I am not only watching him suffer, but my noise and smells are causing more.  The doctors are busy doing their thing trying to figure out what is causing the pain and giving him meds, but it still isn’t helping.  I just need strength to go through this again.  I’m trying to go with the wait and see attitude…I’m not going to get upset because we don’t know anything yet. But the mind wanders, worries brew and the heart aches…

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Secrets…Good or Bad?

secretsShhhhh!  It’s a secret.  Don’t tell anyone.  You promise not to tell?

These are all things we think of as children we have said or have heard others say.  But what damage can be done with an innocent little secret?  Too much damage, from what I have learned.   The days of secrets involving a cute boy, or how mean a teacher is are long gone.  At a younger age, our children are keeping secrets that should never be kept and this is causing harm.  Harm to themselves, harm to their friends, harm to their families.

So how did this happen?  I have been working with middle school girls for a few years now and have learned some eye-opening information.  First of all, they feel stress and pressure from everywhere they go.  And I am talking about 3rd, 4th and 5th graders.  They are overscheduled by their parents who are trying to help them become well-rounded individuals and to keep them out of trouble.  Many girls are in two sports, a musical instrument, tutoring as well as everyday school activities.  They typically are getting home and beginning homework as late as 8 o’clock at night.  There is no down time, time to chill out as a teenager or even to sit and talk about their day with their family.  Conversations are done in the car running between activities and errands.

Then there is the pressure to be the best at all of these activities.  Girls have told me they feel they have to be number one.  They can’t be bad at anything they try and this includes their grades.  Their parents expect the best from them and they can’t let them down.

Now if you remember  middle school, there is the usual pressure of fitting in…trying to figure out where you fit and who you are.  And not to mention the whole pressure of puberty.  Can a girl get a break?

All this pressure, leads to secrets.  Cause who can really be that perfect at everything?  Nobody that’s who.  Girls learn at a young age to hold it inside.  Not to show they are weak..this is opposite of when I was a kid.    They want to be as though they can handle anything and everything.  They don’t want to let anyone down and they want to fit in everywhere.  They will hold everything in, their feelings, their stress, their truth.

I have recently learned of a young girl who attempted suicide.  Why?  Who knows?  She is only 10.  I can’t imagine what could be so horrible in her world to do such a thing, but she did it.  She planned it.  It was intentional.  She knew what she was doing and really wanted to do it.  The pressures are all around.  And then there are the older girls who are cutting themselves, and starving themselves, and making themselves sick just to be something they are not.  I don’t understand and it frustrates the hell out of me.  How can we reach them?  How can we help them?  Theres too much pressure on them and they don’t have an outlet to let it out and then it leads to this horrible pain.  This pain then rolls over into friendships, family relationships and personal lives.  They don’t end up only hurting themselves, it’s all around.

So is this their problem?  Is it their families?  I think it is all of ours.  Our society has to make a change.  This can’t go on with our youth or there won’t be any healthy happy adults to lead our world.

I know I want to do something.  But I am still in search of how and what.  Any ideas?