Another year has rolled by. I can’t believe Pat has been gone for four years already. And I can’t believe I somehow arrived at forty five years old. What a journey this has all been. I would have thought by now I would be “good”. That this would be just another day, but nothing ever is the way I think it should be. I miss him. I miss the father he would have been. I miss the possibility of what we would be now. I am not naive though. I know things wouldn’t have been perfect or there wouldn’t have been pain or unhappiness along the way. All my problems are not a result of being a widow. But that doesn’t take away the fact that there is a piece of my life that would have felt a bit more secure. Just having him here to watch tv with or simply feel his presence near me is something I miss more than anything.
Life has moved along for me and I have happiness but I don’t have a day to day partner to share my life with. Not in that way. My kids are my kids. They are my sole responsibility and every decision and every action is put on me. And I worry alone that I am screwing them up. I know if he was here it would have been better for the boys. They wouldn’t be stuck with me just me and my craziness. Pat would have balanced it out.
But that is not my reality and I am beginning to see that I have to let that fantasy in my head, the dreams of what and how I wanted things to be, go. That is my next step in this grieving process. When people said grief was a life long journey they weren’t kidding. It has become easier but still there are days. Four years without him…there have been many many days.
But let’s think of the forty five years I am celebrating today. Those have been good. I look back on all I have done and seen in my life and I feel so amazingly blessed. I was lucky enough to have so many friends who support me. And a family like no other to love me. I found love in an amazing man who gave me the gift of three incredible boys.
And my future looks bright. I have love. I have friends. I have family. A job I enjoy. Students I love to help. There is so much left for me to enjoy. So much for me to learn and see and explore. I look forward to it all.
So four years since I lost my life, my love, all I imagined for my future but forty five years of so much love and happiness.
I can’t wait to see where I go from here.