Posted in grief, widow

Writing Chapter 2

So I think I have found my chapter 2…that sounds all good and everything, but it isn’t.  It doesn’t make everything good.  My life isn’t magically recreated into a blissful ending.  That’s for the movies, not reality.  Dating mid-life is a challenge to say the least.  Establishing a relationship is almost impossible.  Trying to balance work, children, grief and a new relationship seems to be something not meant for the weak.  There are long stretches of not seeing each other without six children around.  There are stretches of not being together at all.  There are days when I don’t think I can do it anymore…it’s too hard.

It’s not like dating when you were young and had your whole life ahead of you.  Back then you had nothing but time to hang and be together.  You had nothing and started a life together.

 

 

You went through the struggles of day-to-day life together and created something new together, just the two of you.  You made plans for the future, you tried and tackled the hurdles together and you always had the other by your side at the end of the day.  Just having their presence was enough to help in the smallest way.

Jump ahead 20+ years: two established careers, two homes, two sets of routines and traditions, learning to be a single parent and oh yeah, six kids.  This is just the obvious challenges dating as a widow brings.  There is so much more.  For one, there is nothing to establish together.  You both have your lives.  You have built all that with someone else.

You both have children who are demanding your time and energy with all their needs and wants.  You both have jobs that have their own time demands and energy suckage.  And at the end of the day you are all alone dealing with the aftermath of your day and the day to come tomorrow.  Yes there are phone calls throughout the day and brief moments for small conversations when dropping off kids or being in the same place at the same time, but actual interaction with one another is lacking.  There is no peace and love at the end of the day when it seems like I need it the most.  This is a huge challenge I face.

Sharing my life with someone is something I want.  I want a partner, a best friend; someone to have to lean on and to simply be with.  This isn’t something I expect to come easy.  If it is something I truly want, I need to be patient and stay the course.  I am well aware of this. precious

I just keep waiting for something to come easy for me.  This whole new book of my life hasn’t started out with any exciting plot twists, or simplistic undertones.  No, this new book has been a lot of tragedy.  A lot of crazy nutty things happening all at once.  Maybe that will make for a good middle where the main character learns her strength and what her purpose really is in this life leading to a very exciting, unexpected end.    I could handle that I think…as long as the unexpected ending isn’t another tragedy or cliff-hanger.   I need some time of peace and calm.  That is where I am hoping this story is headed.

See, I miss the comfort of having my person.  Just being able to be with him whenever I wanted, whenever I needed…every day.  I always got to just be with him.  I think people take that for granted.  They get to be with their person all the time and don’t remember what is like to not to be able to be in that position.  When I have the opportunity, if even for a short period of time, to be with my new person, I take it.  I wish people could understand that and see that I am not being selfish, or pushing them away or putting him before them.  I am really on my own the majority of the time.  When the opportunity to put in some writing on my chapter 2 shows itself, I want to take it.

We have stated that we are dating backwards.  We have everything and we have the children.  We will have to wait to get our time together on the other side. I hope we make it to that time and place.  Life is a struggle and I don’t think anyone should have to face it alone.  Being alone and being lonely in life is not something I want or wish upon anyone.  I have stated before that I believe the purpose of life is to love and to share it with others.  That is all I am wanting to do.  Just want to be giving the chance to really see this through.

I have found my chapter 2…This I know.  I thought that would be the hard part.  But writing our story together is turning out to be the next big hurdle in my story.

 

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