Posted in grief, widow

Barely Breathing

dandiI try.  Every single day I am doing my absolute best to hold it all together.  But I am not doing so well.  I feel trapped.  I feel like I am suffocating.  I am barely breathing.  I’m unsure as to how this has happened.  Somehow my life took a turn that left me completely out of control.  I feel powerless to all that is happening to me.  I feel stuck in a place I am unsure as how to get out of.

All day, everyday, I keep it together.  I put on a happy face and I do what I have to do.  But the second I head home, I break.  The mask comes off and the truth is revealed.  Unhappiness overtakes me and I cry.  I’ve done a good job at holding it together, but it is getting harder and harder.  I am unsure how to get out of this one.  I don’t know how to escape the pain; the confusion.  I don’t even know what the problem is.  I just feel so lost..so alone.

When will it all end?  When will I find my way back to a life of happiness?  Is this even possible?  I can’t do it anymore.


I wrote this some time back and just recently came upon it again.  I was in a bad place.  I was not happy with anything that was going on and I was basically pissed off at the world.  I was lost in my own mind and in my own world and it left me feeling utterly hopeless.

Hope is something we all must continue to have in order to fully push forward in life.  Without hope, without a chance of there being something better, the future seems bleak and meaningless.  I know this feeling intimately.  Sometimes we get so caught up in all that is swirling around us that we stop to see where we are.  I do this all the time.  I get lost in the midst of the daily grind of life.  I get caught up in the discomfort of my world and lose perspective.  It doesn’t seem like it is all just flying around me, but rather that I am being thrown about with the mess and out of control.

hopeBut I have hope.  I honestly believe there is a reason I am still here.  I know that tomorrow will bring me something new as long as I keep reaching for it.  Hope is what keeps me getting up and doing what I have to do each and every day.  Hope is what motivates me to try again and again and again.

I hope for so much.  I hope to find my place in the world again.  I hope to find peace and comfort and joy.  I hope to find love and happiness.  I hope to find my purpose and feel the passion that comes from living that purpose.  I believe it is all possible.  I believe that as long as there is air in my lungs and blood pumping through my veins, I have a chance at an amazing life.

Widowhood changes us.  It changes our view of the world and everything that goes on, but what I am finding to be most important is that it changes our view of ourselves.  I think this can be one of the more difficult parts of the grief process.  For some reason if we face the loss of our spouse head on and go through the darkness of the tunnel and somehow manage to come out the other end, we can find acceptance with their death.  Not closure, not forgetting, not letting go, but acceptance that they are gone and that is how it is.

I grieved the loss of Pat.  I understand that he is gone and I have been heartbroken and sorrowful and miserable.  But I have found that acceptance.  I understand the reality and although it absolutely sucks, I have come to terms with that being a part of my story.

But what I have not done is to face the grief towards the collateral damage that came along with his death.  I am not the same; my life is not the same; my dreams are not the same…everything changed.  And even though I can roll with things and see that it is different and try to make a new life from the pieces that are left, I have not faced the anger and disappointment and grief that I feel towards losing the life I had and the life I had planned.

This is my main focus now.  I have always used the phrase moving forward rather than moving on because moving on sounds like once you have dealt with it you forget about it forever.  I will never forget Pat and our love…hence moving forward.  But what is holding me back now is something I think I need to move on from.  The anger, the disappointment, the resentment towards people, things and circumstances that are far beyond my control.  I need to face them head on and then let them go…and move on with my life.  Otherwise I may stay stuck in this place forever, and who would want that?

hopesI am happy with where I am now.  I read what is written above, which was written not that long ago, and see how far I have come; how much I have grown.  I have a plan laid out for my future; for the things I want to do and things I will do.  The darkness isn’t as blinding as it once was.  I see the way to what I am looking for and I know it is just a matter of time.  Each day, each positive thought, each moment of hope brings me closer to the life I never knew I wanted.

 

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