I am so exhausted from being a solo mom and head of household. I had no idea how much work everything is to do alone. And the decision-making is killing me. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of and make decisions with. Just
having someone who is in on the situation to help with the decisions would be an amazing gift. I’m not sure I appreciated it when I had it…or better yet, I’m just still a little gun-shy on making decisions on my own. Either way, I am so tired.
Summer vacation use to be a time when I was off work, could hang with the boys doing fun stuff, or just simply lay around. It was a time to recharge before the new school year began. I looked forward to summer break. As a teacher, I counted down until summer break. Pat and I would take trips with the kids, or go to the zoo or the park or whatever. We would sit outside in the backyard and just be together. We had each other to go back and forth with the kids and it was a good time.
Fast forward to this summer…nowhere near the same picture. Not when it is just me. Now I am basically an Uber driver and an ATM. Well not really because at least an Uber driver gets paid. I swear all I do is drive my kids where they want and hand over my paycheck. I have zero time to myself because it is only me with three of them. Not good odds for me. When I do want to do something for myself they are busy fighting and texting me about it that I can’t relax and enjoy at all. And times together aren’t any better. We still try to go out and do fun things, but still the bickering and arguing about who gets the front seat or which you tuber is better ruins it. I miss the days of the five of us where we could just be and have some peace.
I know some of this is just that the boys are getting older and have more activities and more interests. And I know this is true for families where there are two parents involved. I’m not saying it’s not. But that’s not my story and it’s not my life. I can only talk about what is happening with me from my perspective.
So this tiredness has come to a new level. I am not just physically tired, but I am also emotionally, mentally and worst of all….soulfully tired. Not sure that is a word or not, but it describes the feeling perfectly.
This momma needs a break.
A break from my life…the real world…reality. I need to step outside of myself and find some peace. I need to sleep under a palm tree…listen to waves crashing…and feel the sun shining on my face. I need to get away from the day-to-day and focus on me. I was doing good with this the first year after Pat died. I would take a day or a weekend a month to have time for myself. I desperately needed it in order to make it through the other 28-30 days of the month. But as time went by, I grew stronger and life got busier as I stepped back into living. But what I am discovering is that I really do need the break. Maybe not every month now, but for God’s sake every once in a while I need to not be momma for a short period of time and just be Denise. No whining, no complaining, no decisions, no bills to pay, no stress. Just Denise being Denise doing whatever Denise wants. I am talking about straight up selfishness. That is what I need. Just a little bit would do me good. I think it would benefit all of us. I will be a better mom when I am a better me.
There is no magic cure to heal my heart and soul, but some time for me would be a great start. To have a moment to reflect, adjust and regroup would be amazing. So how will I find this time for me?…I have absolutely no idea because life keeps going and the boys keeping needing me. I think I just need to make it a priority for a few hours one day every other month to take a break from being momma and remember that I am a person too. A person with wants and needs and desires and dreams. My boys are my world, but I don’t want to lose me in that world. Denise, the individual, wants to live this life for my boys and with my boys. But it can’t be all about them. It needs to be a little bit about me too.