I’ve talked before about what the widow perspective has given me. I want different things and I view the meaning of life differently. I don’t care about things or money or others opinions. I want to just live life on my own terms and with my own truth. I found that I want to enjoy the little things…appreciate the sunsets, long walks, holding hands and hugs. I want to live the little moments of life and know they are what makes me happy. I don’t want to be caught up in the grind of it and worry about things that I can not control. I have found this to be a peaceful way of living. It felt like I was heading in the right direction.
But what I also found is that this new widow perspective on the world is lonely. Lonely because not many people see the world in the way that I do. The fact that the little things don’t matter. The fact that all I want is to be at peace and surrounded by love. I want to spend my time being…being on this earth, with people who fill me with love. I found that I have started to isolate myself from people because I feel as though I am not understood. I began to feel alone and scared and a little like maybe I was crazy….maybe there was something wrong with the way I viewed the world or how I was trying to live my life. I started to second guess my choices, my decisions, my desires.
And then the year I gave myself came to an end and day to day life began again. I went back to work and started working on building our future once again. I tried to heal myself and my heart by jumping back into the world in the best way I could. But it doesn’t work the same anymore. Not with the new perspective I have after losing Pat. I can’t live balancing between the new me and the same old world. I try to fit in with people. I try to find my place again. I try to feel safe and comfortable about the future…or even about today.
But life keeps on going no matter how hard you try to slow it down.
And the day to day grind of working, balancing finances and raising three boys on my own began to sit on my shoulders. It began to weigh me down. I started worrying about things that are out of my control. I started worrying about the future and about money and about how I was viewed by others. All the things I no longer want to worry about. I felt to feel negativity surrounding me everywhere I went. I couldn’t escape it and I started to want to run again. It’s been a while since I have felt like running.
I’ve lost my focus. I’ve lost my perspective. I’m losing me.
I don’t even know where to go with this.
I need to go back to what matters to me. The things that bring me peace and find my center. For whatever reasons, I have stepped away from those things. I think I began to think that I totally had this life thing down and I don’t need God’s help anymore or something. I was doing better when I handed it over to him and led with my heart. Trying to figure it all out on my own has left me off kilter. I need to leave it in God’s hands and follow my heart. I need to listen to my gut and go with the flow again. In order to do that I need to take the time I need again. I need to walk. I need to write. I need to read. And I need to be…truly be with myself. I need a break.
I had been giving myself time every month or so to get away from it all. To disconnect and step away from the solo parenting and all that comes with it. I haven’t done that for some time and I see now that it is adding to the breakdown of me. Finding that time is difficult though. Finding the frame of mind to let go and not feel selfish or guilty for taking care of me is difficult. But it is needed. For all of us.
I need to do this now before I completely lose my perspective and lost my way. I have always said I want to live this life in honor of Pat. He would do anything to live and I don’t want to take my opportunity at life for granted. I want to soak it up and feel it all.
So I will give myself this moment to feel sorry for myself for letting myself get off course and then I am going to yet again, pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on track.
I am still here for a reason and I want and need to continue living with an open heart and open mind. The path is there for me…I just need to keep going without putting up a fight.