Posted in widow

The storm has passed…

Time has passed me by.   I have been through so much the past two plus years.  There has been a lot stormof darkness, sadness and despair.  There has been a continuous uphill battle and nights of tears and loneliness.   I spent a year trying to survive the simple fact that my husband was never coming home and I was actually a widow.  And then I spent the next year trying to figure out what to do next.  It was a chaotic tornado of emotions, thoughts, fears and dreams spinning in my head all the time.  I have been all over the map in regards to how I want to spend the next chapter of my life.  I have dreamed big and I have thought small.  I wanted the world and I wanted to live simply.  I have been up and I have been down.  I am sure I have confused people with where I was headed and they must have thought I was truly a lost soul….I think I was.  The rain clouds came down on me all the time.  I would start to see the light peeking out behind a cloud and then a new storm would blow in and lead me back to the darkness.  The rain of life would beat down on me and I wouldn’t know how to get back up.  I was so confused; so scared of everything.  Every choice seemed like the wrong one.

But then it wasn’t.  I took a year off and stayed home to figure me out.  I used that time.  Some people may say I was lazy or selfish or unproductive, but I so wasn’t.  When I needed to be sad, I was sad.  When I wanted to write, I wrote.  I connected with music, with words, with thoughts and my soul.  I built a new relationship with God and found a sense of peace and a sense of purpose.  I needed them both.  Somewhere through it all I found what I needed.  The fog that had been coating my brain was washed away and I could see again.    My thoughts changed…they stopped being dark and negative.  Things started to make sense and I could see where I was and where I want to be.  I look back on all that I have survived and I am amazed because there is no way in the world two years ago would I have thought I would be where I am now.  I didn’t think it was possible.  I thought I would be stuck in that darkness forever.

But the storm has passed me by.  I survived.  I came out on the other side and I have seen the rainbow signifying my covenant to live a life on my own terms.  I am not saying I have it all figured out or everything is perfect, because it’s not.  It is still tough and it can still be sad and lonely, but not in the way it use to be.  It’s more like the normal road of life.  I have good days and I have bad days.   The good days out number the bad.  The sun shines more than it rains.  For this I am thankful.  I’ve come a long way and I am happy to be living again.

2 thoughts on “The storm has passed…

  1. Well done Denise! I realised the same but it took me at least 15 years. I realised I actually liked my life, I still wanted Tony back in a heartbeat but I accept now that’s never going to happen. Good days far outweigh the bad these days x x x

  2. Wow!! It’s like you were written my story. Year one is coming up in a couple of weeks. It is weird…I feel like I have been living in the cocoon of grief. Protected almost. For some reason in my mind I see the one year mark as that cocoon is going to go away……not sure I am ready for that to happen.

    Thank you for your story……it makes me see that I don’t have to rush anything, I don’t have make big decisions….the cocoon does have to open, I know that….but it doesn’t have to totally shatter away all at once.

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