I am feeling the aches and pains similar to after you work out for the first time in a long time. But the workout isn’t one on the body, but instead it is on the mind, heart, soul and spirit. I am feeling beat up, tired and lacking any desire to continue. I don’t feel like I have the energy to keep fighting the fight day in and day out.
I am using all my energy to keep the boys on track with their school work and their lives. I am using my energy keeping the household running, and making sure the money doesn’t run out. I am wasting my energy on trying to come across like I’ve got this, when most days, I am barely keeping my head above water.
My energy is all used up.
Deep down I want to keep pushing on. I know that things are better than they were, and I know they are way better than they could have been, and I also know that they will keep getting better. But the day-to-day grind of life has caught up with me again and I have found myself someplace I haven’t been before. I am in a place where I don’t want to keep trying to make a better new life for myself. I don’t have the energy to keep pushing on, and so I just want to settle with whatever comes my way and just get through this life.
I know this sounds horrible and even as I hear myself say it I cringe. But I honestly am at that point where I am tired of trying.
I don’t think people understand all that becoming a widow means. People know that you lost your spouse, your partner in life, but there is so much more that is taken from us. A sense of security, dreams and plans for the future, your identity, your confidant, your sense of peace and comfort are all taken. For me, I feel like I lost everything. I lost my center and my touchstone. I lost my confidence, my focus, and my drive.
But, I gained strength and perseverance. That is for sure. I have gotten up so many times after being knocked down, but this time I just want to stay down. I don’t want to keep up the battle for this new and better life which I desire. I know I want it, I just don’t feel like going after it anymore. It is so much harder than I make it sound. It is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I want to be better and in a better place so badly, but time goes so slowly during the healing process and there is no magical end date.
And what I have found is that this healing is a total inside job. My spirit and soul can only be healed by me. No other person can fix this problem; if that is what you want to call it. I have people in my life who care about me and I care about them. I have found people who make me happy again and want to try again. But this doesn’t change the damage to my spirit. They don’t make anything heal faster or take away my pain from losing Pat. They give me a sense of hope for the future. Hope that I can be happy again and I can be loved again and I can love again. There is always hope for that and I didn’t think that was possible. I am thankful for that and for them. But that doesn’t change where I am in my healing process. This is on me. I have to find a way out of it.
When I write I am usually writing to myself trying to convince myself that I am going to get through this. That I am doing okay. I write with a positive outlook towards my future in order to push myself to keep going. I know all the right words to say and I know all the things I need to do in order to not fall into the fit of despair again. My brain gets it….it’s my heart, and I guess my soul, that is still struggling with finding my way. My brain is ready to jump in and get things going, but the rest of me is still sitting on the sidelines wishing to play again and at the same time, secretly thankful I am not really in the game right now.
So here I am. I am tired all the time. A tired that sleep can not fix. I don’t have the answer or the solution to where I am at and that scares me. I am not sure of what to do next or how to get out of this one. I am in unchartered territory with the feelings I am having. Perhaps this is all part of the healing process, and I will wake up tomorrow with all the answers. For now I will continue to leave it in God’s hands and pray that I can be patient and wait and see what he has planned for me.