I have been unhappy lately. And in trying to figure out what is making me unhappy I do what I always do….I think and analyze, and reanalyze and over analyze and drive myself crazy until my head is completely messed up and I don’t know which way is up anymore. And then I stop and have a moment of clarity and things make sense again. What I realized this time is that I simply don’t know what I am doing. I have a lot of thoughts, and dreams and ideas, but I have no plan. I am afraid of a plan; of taking the step into really doing and living.
I had a plan once. In fact I had my life all planned out and it was amazing. I knew what we wanted, where we going and what we were doing…as much as one can. I was happy with the plan and working towards all that we wanted.
But that plan was demolished the day he died…actually it was over the day we received the diagnosis of cancer, I just didn’t realize it yet. Everything I had planned for my life was tipped over on its side. At first it was just that…a bit shaken. A bump in the road… something we were going to get through and then continue back on to our planned route of life. But as time went by and he got sicker and sicker and eventually died, my life and plans were not just shaken but my world was turned upside down.
I’ve spent the time since his death trying to get back on my own two feet and feel a sense of balance or control over my life. At times I think I am feeling secure in my position, but then I get knocked off-balance again and taken to the ground. It’s like spinning in circles and getting dizzy. When you stop you can feel like you are on solid ground, but your head keeps spinning and you fall to your knees. That is how I feel. The world just keeps spinning and I keep falling down.
I keep getting back up though. I keep pressing on and trying to figure it out. But I what I figured out today is that I don’t have a plan for my life because I am terrified of it being taken from me. I am afraid of setting out on another path and having tragedy destroy it again. I am scared of losing again. Maybe if I don’t plan on anything or have no expectations, then I can’t be disappointed. But I am. I am disappointed in myself. This isn’t me. Not even the new me. I set goals. I make plans. I work towards something. I dream and I live. But I am not…I haven’t really since he died. I’ve talked
about it, but I haven’t really done it. I haven’t really done anything. I haven’t been able to decide which direction to take or where I should go.
My epiphany today:
My indecision with life is a decision for my life and I am not happy with that decision…at all.
So what do I do now? That is the part of my clarity that always
gets me…now I know what the problem is and why I am feeling a certain way, but I must do something about it. I am not going to sit here knowing what is making me unhappy and complain about it or feel sorry for myself. I have to do something about it… Not just think about it, or read about it, or even talk about it. I need to make a decision and whether or not it succeeds or fails, at least I got out there and did something with my life.
Though, I feel like I could stay in this place I am in forever. My life could pass along quickly and I would be fine…but I want more than just fine. I want amazing. I want an amazing life. All the pieces are right in front of me. There are a lot of opportunities and possibilities and people in my path that I simply need to embrace. I know this. I honestly have known this for some time. I was just happy with indecision and fear and being stuck in this place. I have been justifying where I am at and making excuses for myself and for my lack of motivation. But that has gotten me nowhere but a place of unhappiness.
I am in control of my own destiny and happiness. All the opportunities and possibilities and pieces can all be brought to my door, but if I don’t make the move and do something with them, they will simply sit at my doorstep wasted forever or even worse, move along to someone who is willing to take the risk. I want to be that person. I have to be that person or what is this life I have been given really for.
I know what I want in the big scheme of life. It’s the little steps I am unsure of. I have to start putting my focus and heart into reaching for what I want. I have to realize my strength and see all that I have overcome already. I can handle if things don’t go perfectly…because I know they won’t. I may make some bad decisions but I can survive that and learn from them and try again.
Losing Pat has taught me that much. I am strong and determined and I am not going to be held down forever. God has a plan for me and instead of just sitting here waiting for it to be handed to me, I am going to start trying to find it. He won’t lead me wrong.
I need to see what is right in front of me.
I need to make a plan and go after it.
I need to make a decision and just see what happens.
I am not going to let indecision be my decision. I’m going to take control and pray that eventually the spinning will stop and I will once again find myself back on solid ground.