Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed. A reason to keep going. A knowing that there is purpose in their life and meaning to what they do. This is true for everyone. For a widow, this need isn’t just a desire to feel fulfilled, it is literally their life. In the beginning of this grief process, my kids were my reason to get out of bed. I was lucky to have them. I have said it before, they saved me. If it wasn’t for them I am not sure I would be here today, because I honestly didn’t see the point in the beginning. I totally understood the dying of a broken heart cliché. But I survived. My boys gave me a reason to keep going. I got out of bed every morning to get them off to school…if you are unaware, this is a big feat for a widow. Your bed is a safe place where you can be at peace in your pain. Your safety net to hide away from the world. So getting out of that place is difficult, sometimes for days.
But I am wrapping up my sophomore year in widowhood and things have changed. I don’t need to remind myself to get up or take a shower or do what ever it is that needs to be done. I am up and living somewhat of a normal routine. Finding a reason to get out of bed isn’t literal anymore. It’s now the bed of my grief. It’s the bed of feeling lost and alone. It’s the bed of not knowing where to turn. It’s my bed of which I have made to help protect my heart and soul.
This is the bed that I need help to get out of and stay out of, though there are days I am thankful I have that bed to retreat to. It protects me from the world, from my mind, from being hurt beyond repair. But I need something to push me forward into life. I am living in the sense that I am out and about and socializing and not hiding in my closet crying anymore, but I am yet to truly start living. I know it is me who is holding me back from jumping out and living again because I know I have that passion… That driving force to come at the world screaming here I am… bring it on. I catch glimpses of this passion every now and then and I get that overwhelming feeling of calm and peace…that my world is going to be alright.
I think, for me, that I need this passion, or reason to keep going in order to help myself fully heal. It is something to focus on that is bigger than me. Something I can dive into and know I am doing something to better myself or the world. People can do this in different ways. There are people who exercise, which is an amazing way to help yourself heal..body, mind and soul. There are people who dive into their work, their family, a home project…whatever…for me I write. I write about my pain. I write about my healing. I write about my plans, my dreams, my disappointments. I write to help others. I honestly write to help me. I am still writing the book I want to write…perhaps some day you will be able to read it. I just simply love to write. It helps me to clear my mind. It helps me to focus and figure out the nonsense in my head. I am lucky. I have found a reason to get out of bed. Now to just keep it going and make it a passion to drive me further along my journey. There is still so much for me to figure out.
We all need to find our passion, widow or not. For me it took widowhood to truly take the time to figure me out and learn about my passions. I guess I had to be stripped away of everything I had in order to see the light and know why I was put on this earth. To find my purpose. To find my center. When everything that matters to you is taken away, your world becomes covered in fog, a fog that blocks out the world and all the happiness in it. But it’s when that fog begins to lift and you can begin to see again that you truly learn what is important in this life. That is where the work begins in order to live again. We survived the initial impact and assessed the collateral damage. We realize we are still here for a reason. Now it is our job to figure out what that reason truly is. What is your reason for getting out of that bed?