Posted in grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

The gift of widowhood

In the first half of my life, that is before Pat died,  I thought I knew what life was all about. You grow up, you get a job, you get married, have kids, raise your family and someday if you are lucky to retire together as you grow old.  Obviously there are a few pieces of the puzzle missing from that story line, but that was the gist of what I thought life was about.  I always thought there would be time to do everything I wanted to do, or see.  I thought that I was too old or already on my path so that I couldn’t go live my dreams..if I was even sure what those were anymore.  Somewhere along the line in growing up, I think I lost touch with what I wanted as an individual…what I wanted out of life. The things that mattered to me got mixed up or something.   I think I slipped into the conformity of the world and thought stuff was important, and status was important, and a someday would come along when the time was right and I would get to do all that I ever wanted to do.  In short, I had my priorities all messed up.

As we all know, my life didn’t exactly turn out
the way I had thought it was going to.  Instead my husband got sick and died.  My life got turned upside down and I was left in a ball on the floor trying to figure out what to do next.  This was a terrible tragedy.  It was a nightmare of pain and suffering.  This was unfair…

This was a gift.

Now this took me a while to see…a positive coming out of losing the love of my life?  But I can see it now.  Something good did rise up from the ashes of my former life….my new life.  My new perspective.  My new attitude towards living.  My meaning of life has changed and for the better, in my opinion.

giftThis second chance or second chapter of my life is different.  I see things in such a different way.  I want to live and fully embrace the meaning of life.  I want to explore this world and experience it.  I want to do what I want to do.  I want to follow my heart and my passion.  I don’t want to settle.  I don’t want to give in.  I don’t want to worry about the little things.  There is so much more to life than things.  This leads me to living more simple.  I have been purging my house of belongings…of things I never needed.  I don’t want stuff anymore.  I want experiences…I want memories.  I want to do and I want to be.  I understand that life isn’t always that simple.  I am going to have to go back to work and do something to pay the bills eventually.  I am still going to have the mundane chores of life, but I see those different now too

Even though I won’t get everything I want,  that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up dreaming.  I am dreaming big these days and putting it out into the universe to see what comes back to me.  I am focusing on being positive and living my truth.  I know who I am.  I know what I want.  And I deserve to have it all.  We all do.  My all has simply changed since Pat left me.  It’s bigger than before.  It’s connected to my soul more.  I loved the life we
had.  I loved the plans we had together and would give anything to have him back to see them through.  But this is not an option we widows get to have.  I have to accept the change that was given to me…I need to embrace it and run forward into it.  This gift of a second chapter is an opportunity to truly live.  I am working on that principle.  I am listening to my heart and reaching for the stars.   Live life with passion.  Live life with love.  Don’t just simply exist in this world…Go live it.

 

One thought on “The gift of widowhood

  1. I love this post. Losing a very deep love, no matter how – through a hurtful breakup or, way worse, the passing away of your lover – seems to be able to do that to you, turn your life upside down in a way that hurts like hell when it happens but eventually transforms it into something strangely beautiful. I’ve also started looking at things way differently, decluttering my outer and my inner life and focussing on what is truly essential and important to me. A lot of difficult decisions are still ahead of me. But I take a lot of courage from what you write about how far you’ve come as a result of this tragedy. All the best for your second chapter!

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