Since Pat’s death I have been continuously focused on keeping going…doing what I have to do to survive. Although I do allow myself time to cry and break down I always pick myself up and keep moving. There are things to be done and taken care of. I am not going to sit in one spot and marinate in the pain for too long. I allow myself time to mourn and then pick myself up yet again. In between melt downs I typically push down the pain and ignore the things I can’t deal with at the time. Which would then boil up to a point where another melt down will occur. A vicious cycle of pain and coping.
But I gave myself this year.
This year to take for me and to figure things out. Up to this point I thought it was about me and what direction I wanted to take with my life in regards to career. But today I realized there is more to it than that. It is about me and what I want in life in general.
So, today I decided needed to be about me. I needed to completely shut down my system and reboot my thoughts and priorities in order to see clearer. I shut off my electronics and I allowed myself to just be with me and with my thoughts. I let the daily obligations of life get pushed to the side for the moment and focused on me and my pain.
You see, I’ve been feeling a bit blue..no actually more like disappointed in things with my life lately. So today I spent the time to truly reflect on what I want for myself and for my life. I thought a lot about how I wanted relationships to be for me and how I wanted my family to be and what I basically saw my life to be like on this new journey I am on. I then thought about what I am doing to make that dream a reality. And what I discovered was that I am living opposite of what I honestly want for myself. This is why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I am not being true to me and my dreams. I am settling in a sense.
I am happy to have what I have because those things I do want, but I want them in a different light. I have been allowing myself to give away pieces of me in order for me to have a piece of what I am looking for. This is no way I want to li
ve. I want what I want and I think it is time that I start focusing on that thought. I don’t expect anything to just come to me overnight and make everything okay, but if I am working against my goal I know that I will never get there.
This took me some time today to figure out. But when I did, I was able to sleep. And I haven’t been sleeping so I am telling you this was amazing. As hard as it is going to be to let some things in my life go and make the changes I need to do, just knowing my problem took a load off my shoulders. I felt the pressure and pain lift off me and I could breathe again.
My problem use to be not knowing what I want in this new life of mine…but now it is simply me standing in my own way. I know the direction I want to be headed in and I have a basic plan of which route I want to take, but I just need to be true to me and get out of my own way.