Posted in widow

That’s me…I’m standing in my own way

Since Pat’s death I have been continuously focused on keeping going…doing what I have to do to survive.  Although I do allow myself time to cry and break down I always pick myself up and keep moving.  There are things to be done and taken care of.  I am not going to sit in one spot and marinate in the pain for too long.  I allow myself time to mourn and then pick myself up yet again.  In between melt downs I typically push down the pain and ignore the things I can’t deal with at the time.  Which would then boil up to a point where another melt down will occur.  A vicious cycle of pain and coping.

But I gave myself this year.  out-of-my-way

This year to take for me and to figure things out.  Up to this point I thought it was about me and what direction I wanted to take with my life in regards to career.  But today I realized there is more to it than that. It is about me and what I want in life in general.

So, today I decided needed to be about me.  I needed to completely shut down my system and reboot my thoughts and priorities in order to see clearer. I shut off my electronics and I allowed myself to just be with me and with my thoughts.  I let the daily obligations of life get pushed to the side for the moment and focused on me and my pain.

You see, I’ve been feeling a bit actually more like disappointed in things with my life lately.  So today I spent the time to truly reflect on what I want for myself and for my life.  I thought a lot about how I wanted relationships to be for me and how I wanted my family to be and what I basically saw my life to be like on this new journey I am on.  I then thought about what I am doing to make that dream a reality.  And what I discovered was that I am living opposite of what I honestly want for myself.  This is why I am feeling the way I am feeling.  I am not being true to me and my dreams.  I am settling in a sense.

I am happy to have what I have because those things I do want, but I want them in a different light.  I have been allowing myself to give away pieces of me in order for me to have a piece of what I am looking for.  This is no way I want to li
ve.  I want what I want and I think it is time that I start focusing on that thought.  I don’t expect anything to just come to me overnight and make everything okay, but if I am working against my goal I know that I will never get there.

This took me some time today to figure out.  But when I did, I was able to sleep.  And I haven’t been sleeping so I am telling you this was amazing.  As hard as it is going to be to let some things in my life go and make the changes I need to do, just knowing my problem took a load off my shoulders.  I felt the pressure and pain lift off me and I could breathe again.

My problem use to be not knowing what I want in this new life of mine…but now it is simply me standing in my own way.  I know the direction I want to be headed in and I have a basic plan of which route I want to take, but I just need to be true to me and get out of my own way.


One thought on “That’s me…I’m standing in my own way

  1. Excellent. Glad you are sleeping and feel lighter, focused, and true to yourself. XO it’s always easy to see what other people need when you look at their situation- but why is it so darn hard for us to see what we, ourselves, need? Self reflection is difficult, scary, and risky, but can be liberating. Glad you gave yourself the moment.

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