A note to myself: you’re doing better than you think

I find that  I need to remind myself these days that I am not only surviving as a solo mom of three, but that I am doing a good job.  I tend to focus on the things I am not doing, or the mistakes I am making rather than looking at how far I have come and what I have accomplished.  I think this is normal.  I am terrible at expressing myself verbally to people in order to tell them how I am feeling and so when I feel I have something to say to them, I write them a letter.  Well, right now I feel as though I need to write a letter to myself to express what I am feeling towards me…a sort of reminder or check in on how I am honestly doing as a widowed mother of three.  So here is what I have to say…

Dear Denise,

I know this has been a tough road you have been on and you have been beaten down to where you don’t want to get up again.  Your days are a constant struggle to find your way and raising those boys has been exhausting.  But I want you to know that you have impressed me with how far you have come.  I remember after Pat died how you had to consciously tell yourself to get up and take care of the boys.  Every moment of your life was something you had to intentionally do.  You didn’t know how to do anything and didn’t want to do anything.  How many times did you drop the kids at school and just want to keep on driving until you disappeared?  I remember those times of darkness.  You didn’t think you would ever make it through the day….but you did.  You went to sleep each night and woke again in the morning.  You got up, did what you had to do the best that you could, and kept on going.  It was the most difficult thing you have ever had to do….I know this.

And time has passed and you are still going.  You are no longer taking baby steps to get through the day.   Not even baby stepping through the week.  You are out of bed, out of the fog and heading out of the darkness.  I know you have put a lot of work into where you are now.  This healing didn’t just happen on its own.  You put in the time, reflected on who you are, who you were, where you’ve been, and where you want to go.  You have pondered, and cried, questioned and cried,  searched and cried and cried some more.  You battled the demons in your head and worked on healing your heart.  You took the time to introduce yourself to the new you and spent the time getting to know who you are now.  You gave yourself the gift of grace and the gift of time to  find your path and gain your footing on this new journey.

You did all of this while raising three boys.  You have held them up and held them tight.  You comforted them when they were lost, and scared and sad.  You helped to guide them in the right direction and to see the beauty in a life worth living.  You help them to remember their daddy and to see him in their everyday lives.  You did this.  No one else.  You kept your little family going the best way you knew how.  You did this and you should see that.  You should be proud of that.

None of this has been easy…I am aware of this fact.  You did what you had to do.  You have made mistakes along the way.  But you are learning from them and living forward.  You are not letting your loss and pain and suffering be the end of you.  You must keep going for you and for your boys.  There is an amazing future for you if you just keep working for it.  Keep living with an open heart and an open mind.  Focus on what you are looking for and remember what is truly important to you.  That is how you will find your happy ending.  Only you know how to get to that place.  Only you can bring you to true happiness.  You have done so much already…there is no quitting now.  Don’t quit before the miracle happens.  Stay the course and keep true to you.

You know what you are doing…even though you say you don’t.  Trust your instincts, follow your heart, listen to your gut.  Love those boys like never before and keep working towards your dream.  You so totally got this.

With all my faith in you for the future,

Denise