Posted in grief, solo parenting, widow

the struggle is real

I am struggling these days with raising my boys.  My boys are 13, 11 and 10 and they are a handful.  They are full of energy and full of life.  I envy that in them.  They love to take risks and try new things and go out on a limb (literally at times) to have a good time.  They have their father’s adventurous spirit and his rebellious attitude.  The second is what is pushing me over the edge these days.  I have had to learn, basically from the time of their birth, that my boys need the freedom to explore life and live in it.  I know that they like to be a little crazy and a little loud and they simply are always looking for a good time.  But lately, they have taken this attitude in to a negative place.  They are not showing me the respect that I think I deserve.

I try to give my boys all that they need.  This isn’t in a materialistic way, because I don’t live that kind of life.  But in the fact that they are allowed to do a great deal and are given great opportunities to  jump into their passions and interests.  I want my boys to have a strong foundation to launch themselves out in this world.  I want them to know that their momma believes in them and their dreams, and will always be their number one fan.  I want them to know that their daddy wanted nothing more from them than for them to find happiness, love and passion for life.

But they are pushing me over the edge with their behavior lately.  I just need some help from them.  I need them to listen to me and do the little bit I ask of them.  I ask for their help with the groceries, with putting their dishes in the sink, keeping their rooms in a decent condition (I’m not delusional that it will be clean all the time), I ask that they don’t call each other names and beat on each other all the time, and I ask that they treat me with respect.  They aren’t doing such a great job at the moment.

So today I finally lost it. I blew my top with them.  I told them how I felt….what I expected from them and what I had been given lately from them.  I told them I didn’t know what else to do because I have been trying…I am doing my best, but nothing is working.  So this is where we came to.  Me acting like a screaming lunatic in the kitchen.  And they cried.  And I didn’t care.

Does that make me a horrible mom?  I don’t think so.  I want to get through to them.  I want them to understand that I am struggling with being a single mom.  I am having a hard time filling the shoes of their father, but I am doing my best.  But I also want them to know that I love them.  And they do.

They know that I will tuck them in and help them with their homework.  They know that tomorrow morning I will make them breakfast and drive them to school.  They know they can count on me and I will always have their back.  They know their momma  loves them.

But sometimes momma needs a little love too.  I need to hear the thank yous and the I love yous.  My boys aren’t so quick with those words, which only makes them mean so much more when I hear them unprompted.

I don’t know what I need to do now with them.  I am at a crossroad.  They need their daddy here.  I need their daddy here to step in and put down the hammer when needed.  They just aren’t buying it from me anymore.  Something needs to change with them.  It’s either I need to change my reaction to them, or they need to change their reaction to me….maybe it’s a little of both.

We had quite a “discussion” this …me explaining where I stand at the top of my lungs…not my finest moment as a mother.  I think we need to try again in a calmer way to have a heart to heart.  A family meeting.  A meeting of minds and hearts to get this little family back on track.  I can’t keep going on like this.  And they don’t want or need a momma who is feeling the way I am right now.  The struggle to raise these boys is a daily grind that wears me down.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world.  They are my life and my world.  I’m just looking for a little peace in that world.  Is that too much to ask?



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