A year and half later the tears are still falling. I have cried so much and for so long, I don’t know how there are still tears left to be produced. I cry for more than just my loss of Pat and the loss of me. I cry for all that I can not have and can not be. I cry for all that I have and all that I will never have. The feelings are much more intense now. I feel so much.
But the tears aren’t just running down my cheek for you all to see. I cry inside, I cry alone. My days are not like they use to be. There is so much more to ponder. So much more to feel. All the pressure that comes with being a widow can break you. But we widows, we are strong. We have been through hell and are fighting our way out. We know how to hide our pain and struggles. We hold it in and make it our own. I don’t like to share my inner thoughts and pain with others because I don’t think anyone truly understands. And I’m glad for them that they don’t, but I am sad for me that they don’t. It’s hard when you are all alone on the inside. Feeling like you are the only one that knows your pain and struggle. There are people who understand parts of what you are feeling and certainly there are many who can empathize, but it’s so not the same. The pain we have is so real and personal. We want for someone to get it, but we don’t want to have to explain it to any of them. We cry inside for someone to understand. We shed a tear when we can’t find a way to make it better.
But a tear is a sign that we are alive. It is the way our soul opens up and speaks to the world. We can’t always say what we are feeling and sometimes we don’t even now what we are trying to say. Tears give our soul a voice. And it doesn’t have to mean we are in a bad place. It simply is a way of clearing our way for better things to come.
Each tear is for something different. The tears tell our story and reminds us we are still here and there is life to be lived. The tears of a widow aren’t always shed for the one who has passed. Our tears are so much more than the heartache we suffered. The tears help to wash away the pain and move us along our path.
I’m moving along mine. I really am. I’m lucky. I have found someone who understands. Someone who has lost their love. We share our feelings. We share our pain. We understand where we have been, where we are. But this doesn’t make it all better…it simply helps in the healing. Because it helps to be heard and to be understood. It helps to have someone put into words the feelings you are feeling inside but you can’t express. For the tears just keep coming. And the pain still remains. I may have tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but my soul is working its way back into the world and it is ready to shine brighter than ever before.