Posted in widow

As I lay me down to sleep

For quite some time after Pat died I was unable to sleep.  I was tired all the time.  This is normal I hear.  It’s a combination of grief, sleeping alone for the first time in 20 years, stress and anxiety.  But then came a time when I was sleeping well.  I felt ready for my days when I woke in the morning.  I was rested and ready for what the world was going to bring me.  It felt amazing!

But here I am again. A year and a half later and  I am not sleeping.

It’s been awhile now without being able to sleep through the night.  Trust me I am exhausted and I have no problem wanting to climb in to bed and doze off, but I can’t.  My mind is always racing.  It races right into the wee hours of the morning, even waking me up throughout the night.  I am once again utterly exhausted.  I just want to sleep.

As I have talked about before, the pressure of being a solo parent is overwhelming.  But it’s not just the parenting part of life that is killing me.  It’s everything I now have to do alone.  I am running the whole household on my own.  I am alone in the cleaning, shopping, prepping, finances, holidays, lawn work,  worrying, planning…everything.  It is all on me.  It is too much.  I am mom and dad.  I do the “mens” jobs around the house, as well as the “womens” jobs.  It’s all me.  I can’t leave it and expect my spouse to do it, or clean it or put it away.  What I don’t do doesn’t get done.  I know that sounds trivial, but the number of things that have to be taken care of all the time is unbelievable.  Not to mention exhausting.

tired2I think the worrying on my own is the hardest right now.  I worry about the kids.  I worry about the finances.  I worry about the house.  The stresses build up on me and it’s just me to try to figure them out.  I know I can do it on my own, but it makes my brain crazy.  The thoughts that run through my head as I try to go sleep are paralyzing.  I can’t make them stop or even pause for a moment to get a moment of shut-eye.

People have a hard time understanding this exhaustion.  By the end of the day I just want to sit and do nothing.  I don’t want to talk on the phone or go out for a drink.  I am completely spent from just getting through the day.  It’s not getting through the day like it was when Pat first died.  That was a matter of survival.  Not it’s more the constant grind of life on your own.  I don’t mean to seem like I am pushing people away or that I am uninterested in their lives.  That is not the case.  It’s just that mine is so much right now that it’s all I can take on.  I need my time.  Selfish as it sounds, it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I am unsure as to why the insomnia has come back around, but I am anxiously awaiting its exit from my life.  I am hoping that if I can get a couple good nights sleep I will have a clearer picture of my stress and figure a way out of this haze because…

I am beat. tired

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