Posted in widow

It comes in waves

So life is going along and I feel as though I’ve got this…I am doing okay.  But then something comes
along and knocks me off my feet yet again.  It use to be certain music, or pictures, or even smells that would remind me of Pat and make me miss him so.  Now it’s crazy things that take me to the mat.  I am standing in the check out lane at Kroger; just going about my business.  There is an elderly man in line in front of me.  It is obvious he is not healthy.  He is in a motorized grocery cart and having difficulty checking out.  The sight of him…the thought of him being there alone…takes me out.  He reminds me of Pat when he was dying.  He was weak and struggling and all alone.  Within seconds I couldn’t take it.  The feelings boiled up inside of me and came raining down.  I couldn’t keep it together and I wanted to run out of the store.  I talked myself down trying to keep it together until I tidal-wavechecked out.  All that was running through my head was that this man had no one to take care of him.  He had to try to keep going on his own.  He was going to die alone.  Crazy Irrational thoughts. I felt helpless and paralyzed.  It just took me back.  I saw Pat.  The thoughts that use to run through my head looking at him just raced back into my mind.  It was overwhelming.  It hit me hard.  I held it all in until I checked out.  I walked out to my car with tears streaming down my face and as soon as the car door closed behind me I cried desperately.  I can’t explain any of it.  There was no reason for it.  It came.  It hit me.  It knocked me down.

These days the knock down doesn’t knock me out.  I am thankful to time for that.  Time has healed me in that sense.  I know how to keep moving forward and push through the pain.  It is just still a shock when it comes on so suddenly. What I have learned is to take a deep breath in and enjoy the calm while it lasts for I know there will again be yet another wave in my future.

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