Finding myself again at the age of 42 is way more difficult than it was in my teenage years. And I thought that was pretty tough. I am so lost in who I am and it is incredibly confusing to me because of course I know who I am, right? You’d think so. Losing Pat didn’t just take away my role of being a wife. I didn’t just lose my best friend, and partner in life. I lost me. Some times I don’t even recognize my own reflection anymore. I have changed so quickly and so dramatically that I haven’t been able to keep up with it all. I’ve never felt so lonely as I do these days and that can happen even when I am sitting with a group of people. It’s not the loneliness of not having anyone around, obviously, but a loneliness in the soul. It’s like walking around aimlessly without any purpose or reason for doing so. My children keep me busy, they are my focus and my life. But they have lives too. When they go, what do I have? I have me. But I don’t know who that is anymore. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I think it’s the fear that I have now…the hesitation towards life that leaves me in the paralyzing confusion. I have a bit of fear of losing now….losing anything. Losing respect, losing focus, losing hope, literally anything. I don’t want to lose so I don’t take the risk. Can’t lose if you don’t play.
And people are gone now. I get that, but I just recently stopped and looked up and noticed they are gone. For the most part I am okay with this. I’m pretty comfortable in the little bubble of life that we have created for ourselves, but I have to admit I was a little surprised by it. I guess because I’ve been in the dark for so long I didn’t notice it happening.
I’m still a work in progress, as we all are, and I know I will figure it out. It’s just tougher than it looks. What we widows are dealing with is so much more than I ever imagined. It’s more the mourning the loss of our loved one…oh so much more. But I have to believe that even better days are ahead for all of us. Why else would we still be here? I just want to find a way to let myself open the door again and step back out there. I mean completely out there. There are areas in my life where I am having great success and happiness…I’m just hoping to make that the norm in my life.
So if I don’t seem like me anymore…it’s probably because we haven’t re-met yet. I’m still meeting the new Denise myself. Hopefully in the near future we will all get a chance to meet her again.