Last week was a tough one. For no reason whatsoever, I fell straight into the dark days of widowhood. This happens from time to time, but I am usually able to get up and get out. Not last week. I couldn’t find my way through the darkness. There was no light anywhere and I felt lost and alone like I hadn’t felt since he died. I lost all motivation to do anything and found myself just sitting and staring for long
periods of time. When I would start to see a flicker of light shining in the distance, something would come along and blow it out and I would be back in the darkness. I tried everything I had done for the past 16 months to cope with the pain but I couldn’t beat this one. I had to just sit in it and suffer.
When he died, and the first months following, I remember I felt like my heart had broken…like literally broke. I could physically feel the pain in my heart like it had been ripped out, beaten up and shoved back inside me. It was a real pain. It was the pain of missing him. I missed him so much. I still do, don’t get me wrong. That’s just a given in my life from here on out. It’s just different now.
The pain I felt last week was a physical pain in my stomach. It was like a pit of emptiness. Not stomach pains of anxiety or stress or hunger, but something far more. Just straight up emptiness. It took me some time to connect with it but came to the conclusion that now I am at a place where I don’t just miss him, but I need him. I need him here to tell me I’m doing okay. I need him here to tell me I’m making the right decisions. I need to hear him say I’m going to be okay. He was my number one fan. I need that. I need to feel his undying support and unconditional love. He would give it to me straight and guide me in the direction I need to be. He was my partner through it all. I miss that. I need that.
I couldn’t get out of this darkness last week. I was worried I never would. I still live in the shadows this week, but it is better…a bit. I’ve had to make some decisions this past week on how I want my life to go and how I am going to deal with people and events that occur in my life. It has actually helped me feel somewhat stronger making these decisions on how I am going to allow others to treat me and how I am going to react to them.
The week also brought on all the crazy thoughts that us widows have. Irrational, unjustified, nutty thoughts. Nothing really makes sense anymore and when my brain gets lost in the darkness some crazy shit can come out. I start over analyzing everyone and everything…including me. That’s where I was really needing him. I needed that support that was just there with him. The safety net of love. I sure hope those crazy thoughts go away with time. I want to be able to look at the world in a sane way that is full of peace and hope and happiness. I’m going to stick with the thought that time will take that away.