Most of the time I feel like I am doing okay. I am out in the world and living. But the thrilling part of the grief process for me is that at any moment and for any reason I can fall into a pit of despair. I usually know when it is coming on and feel as though I am “slipping”. I can catch myself, refocus on what I need to do and continue on. It may take a day or maybe two, but I can catch myself before I find myself curled up in my closet or sitting in the shower crying.
But there are timeswhen I can’t help but fall. It isn’t an all of a sudden a fall, but rather an endless slow motion fall into nothingness. It begins with…well actually it usually begins with nothing. Nothing really has to happen. A thought, or a word or an interaction with another can do it. The spiral begins. My head doesn’t know how to shut down. I can’t turn it off. Trust me I wish I could if even for a short period of time. I think and think and think. My brain has to analyze everything from every angle. I question my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions. I’m sure it is the result of feeling so out of control and unsure of what I am doing. I want to know that I am not crazy. I want to know that I am okay…that I will be okay. So I try to be sure that I am not just fooling myself on how I am doing. In doing this, my brain goes round and round. I think until it has driven me farther into the pit. At that point the feeling of just wanting to disappear into it comes over me. Sometimes I don’t want to keep getting up and moving forward. Sometimes I want to be left alone and wither away. I know it is okay for me to sit in my feelings of pain and loss for a moment, but this is different. This is a more permanent residency of pain.
It is kind of like the desire I have to want to be in the world of the living again. I truly want that for myself. BUT…I really don’t. I want to find my place in the world again, but I don’t want people in my business. I want to share in relationships with people, but I don’t want them to input their opinions or to even to try to understand. Selfish right? I am truly blessed to have people who care about me and my boys and want the best for us. They want to be a part of our lives and they just want us to be happy. I know that. But I am grieving. Grief rears its ugly head again…and so I want to isolate and go it alone. It’s easier that way sometimes. The most I can do is focus on what I need to do at that time. Trying to deal with other people’s dramas or opinions doesn’t fit into my world at this time. I want nothing to do with it. So what I do is retract from the world of the living. I step out into it for a bit, and then quickly right back into my bubble. I am happy there. I feel safe there. Perhaps that is where I need to stay for a little longer. I hope people will still be there when I am ready to return.
So this endless pit of despair sucks me in again and I fall and fall downward in a spiral hoping to be saved from this pain. I then remember there is no one there to save me…I have to save myself. And so that is what I do. I will keep getting up and I will keep trying to climb out of the pit and I will eventually step back out into the world. I wish I knew a quicker route than the one I am on.