Not what I had planned.

Time is passing and things are changing.  Everything has changed.  The past ten months has been nothing but change.  I am looking for a small piece of normalcy…a place to rest my head and feel comfort.  We have been sitting in a holding pattern for far too long and it is time to take a step in the right direction.  We have healed a great deal- not completely because I don’t think that is possible.  But healing we have done.  The holidays were tough.  Tougher than I thought they would be, but we made it through.  The new year feels like the right time for a new perspective and I want that, but the reality of it all is that this is my life now.  It’s not the life I had planned on.  I thought I had it figured out.  I was lucky enough to find someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, not an easy thing to do….I married the man of my dreams, started a family,  planned a future together to grow old as a couple.  That was what I thought my life would be.

Nope.

Not happening.

The life I thought I would have will never be.  That’s what I know.  I’ve been working on what that means now.  It’s a tough job.  A journey without any roadmap, let alone a compass to try to direct me in the right direction.  Being a single parent is no joke, especially since we live in a world of couplehood.  How quickly people have forgotten that it is just me doing the job of two.  It sounds like it’s double the work, but it truly feels like 10 times the work.  I do what I can do and hope people understand.  I am doing the best I can.  I’m doing Ok.  We all are.  It’s just not what I ever thought my life would be.

So now what?

This is where I find myself here in 2016… a place of discovery.  I have found me again…I’m stronger than ever before…and I am weaker than ever before.  But I am me.  I am good with who I am.  Not a small feat.  I see happiness in my future and I see a life again.  Not sure exactly what I will see along this new path, but I know I am going somewhere good.  Pat is with me all the time.  His spirit surrounds me and pushes me to move forward.  “Smile everyday” is what he told me to do.  He wanted me to be happy, and not finding happiness and living again would be no tribute to him whatsoever.

So this is my plan…

Be happy.  Smile.  Enjoy the simple things.  Love unconditionally.  Laugh.  Live.  Breathe… What more can I do.