I don’t really know what to say anymore

It’s been  a while since I’ve written publically about all that I have been going through.  I have entered into a new phase of my grief where I feel rather private about what I am experiencing.  I have had my share of people judging me and man, have I heard some of the stupidest things ever said, but I think the real reason I haven’t been sharing my feelings is that I don’t really know what to say anymore.  It is what it is.  There isn’t anything I can do to change the situation I have been handed.  This is my new life.  It is time to embrace it and move forward.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I miss Pat every minute of every day.  I don’t think that will ever change.  But this is where I am.  This is my reality.  This is my life.  I have to remind myself  of that all the time.  Sometimes it seems so unreal that the past two and a half years actually happened to us and now I am alone in my world.  It is a lonely world where there is never enough time to do half the things I need to get done, but it is mine.  These boys are mine…my responsibility.  No matter where my life takes me, this will always be true.  The role of the single parent is no joke.  I had respect for single parents before, but I honestly had no idea.  It’s one hell of a tough job.

My world hasn’t really found any peace in it since Pat died.  I had hoped to find a new normal, as everyone talks about, or at least a little routine.  But unfortunately that was not in the cards for the Mahoney clan.  We have been displaced from our home due to some major construction needed on the house and recently our puppy was hit by a car.  It seems to me someone is constantly trying to remind me that it can always be worse…and then showing me how it can be.   I get the picture, for goodness sake.  Even with all that, I have to say the Mahoney 4 is actually doing ok.  We have our moments of anger and sadness, but the majority of the time, we are happy.

I have no idea what is headed our way, but one thing I do know is that we are going to get through it together.  I never knew the amount of strength I had, or we all have….I actually always thought I was pretty weak, but Pat’s illness and his death has proven that this crew can’t be knocked down for long.  We are going to keep getting up,dusting ourselves off and head towards the future.  We aren’t going to sit and marinate in the pain we have had inflicted upon us, but rather acknowledge it, learn from it and become even stronger.  Pat wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.