5,629 days.

This is equal to 15 years, 4 months, and 30 days.  This is what was I blessed with my Pat.  It may not seem long to some, and it may seem like a lifetime to others.  But for me it was the gift I was given.  I always thought the day we were married was the best day of my life.  The day that could never be compared due to the overwhelming amount of love and happiness I felt.  But what I had to learn by living those next days was that life continues to give you more happiness.  We simply choose to focus on the grand events as the happiest.

As I look back now I see that I was most happy when I was holding his hand.  Or sharing a look that no on else understood.  Just to have him near me made me feel safe and loved.  I didn’t need a formal event or  a big tado in order to be happy when I was with Pat.  I just was.

Its been 69 days since I last held his hand,  felt his warmth or kissed his lips.  That day I thought was going to be the saddest day of my life.  But as life always teaches us, it is not like we plan.  The days after that day have been even harder.  The realization that I will never have that love again.  I may have love, but not the love I had.  The realization that no one knows our story, our history, our private jokes, our true love and passion together.  These are the things that hurt.  They are gone from my every day, though I hold them dear to my heart and in my memory.  I will never forget.

I worry I am letting him down.  That I am not making the right decisions for the boys, with our home, or with my life.   Is he looking down on me wondering if I ever loved him?  Does he think I have forgotten him?  He wouldn’t want me to sit on the sidelines and cry my life away.  He would want me to get up, be strong and do what I gotta do. I worry about everything because I am afraid of what tomorrow brings.  I’m afraid of feeling this way forever and being alone.  I am afraid I can’t make it on my own and I am afraid that I can.   So many loved him, and I fear I will disappoint them as well.  I want to hold on to his memory but I want to live again as well.  Finding the balance between the two is the difficult challenge I have been given.

These 69 days have been painful and yet they have helped me grow and see just how loved I was for the 5629 days before. The love he gave me is the strength I need to continue to live.

I don’t know what lies ahead for me in the days to come.  I hope to continue to find peace with Pats death, but I also hope for more.  More happiness, more laughter, and maybe even more love.  His love will always embrace me and guide me through life and for now I guess that is all I need.