The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. My husband had his stem cell transplant, was away for three weeks and is now home recovering. This has brought a new focus in our house and on my life. I have a lot of responsibility on me and at times the pressure builds up and I feel as though I can’t go on…but I do. I always do. My kids, my husband, my family is the number thing in my life and they come first. My mind is always moving and thinking about what ifs, and whats to come. I am always thinking about the future, what I have to do, and what I should have done. Worry, worry, plan plan. That is how my mind works these days…especially at night when I should be sleeping.
I think I am doing a good job. I am keeping things going as best as I can and my kids are still happy healthy and having a fun summer. I want it to be as normal as possible at the house. I get a lot of people offering to help and asking what I need. I don’t know what I need. I need this to be over and to have my husband back, but that isn’t what they are offering. So since that isn’t an option, I never know what to say other than we are good and we are doing ok.
The other night I was sitting with some family friends who was trying to give me support and offer me advice on getting through these times. This was a well intentioned conversation, but to be honest it upset me a bit. The advice was to take time for myself to talk to a professional in order to vent and talk through my emotions. This makes sense. Everyone needs someone to talk to. I think what made me upset, was that I am tired of this. I am tired of thinking about everything, and analyzing everything, and planning for everything and setting up possible situations and how I would deal with it if it happened. I’m just tired of it all. I just want to be. I want to be where I am in my life and accept it. Yes, things suck right now, but its not my forever…its my right now. This is where I am and I just want to be in it. I want to be with my family and be with my husband and just be me at this time. I don’t want to worry anymore because what’s the point. I have no control over tomorrow, let another an hour from now. Why do I waste my precious time on this earth worrying about things that are out of my control.
So, I always remind myself to Just Breathe, and now I am adding to it…Just breath and Be. That’s all I can do and honestly, its all I can do.
One thought on “This is what I want…”
Denise I know I don’t know you very well, but what I do know is I think you are an amazing woman going thru a very difficult time..I have been where you are ..thinking ahead,what if’s and sleepless nights..I think you have come up with the best thing to just be you..to breath and be is fantastic….I finally did and when I did everyone else seemed to fall into the same..What changed me was when I called his Oncologist because he was doing things he wasn’t supposed to and I was going on about all my worries and the doc stopped me and said “Mrs. Wooley it’s ok..your husband could decide to take a trip in his car and get hit head on by a truck” I didn’t get it at first and then I realized ..Yep I needed to stop , I didn’t have control ..so you go and breath and be it’s the right thing..