And here we go again

The pain of watching a loved one suffer is indescribable.  Sitting by helpless, not being able to do anything to ease their pain or protect them is heart crushing.  I sat by for five months as my husband suffered through chemotherapy; simply watching him twist and turn in pain, toss and turn in his sleep and lose his hair.  I couldn’t do anything.  I tried to do what I could.  Take care of the kids, the house, the necessities of day-to-day living.  I wanted to give him everything I had to offer during this time.  When the news of remission came to us late December we were overjoyed with relief and joy.  We were ready to close that chapter and begin a new one together.  We didn’t know where we were headed, but we were doing it together.

And now this.  Little by little, tiredness has returned.  An overall feeling of ickiness.  Is it the effects of the chemotherapy leaving his body?  Is he sick from the flu or another bug that’s going around?  Then a headache that won’t go away.  His eye is killing him and the pain in his head is unrelenting.  He takes what he can until he feels we need to figure out what is going on and get some medicine to take away the pain.  Off to the hospital.

So here we go again.  He’s laying there in pain; he can’t handle the light, or sound, or even smells.  I know it’s not about me AT ALL, but I can’t help but feeling I am causing him more pain.  That makes it even harder.  Now I am not only watching him suffer, but my noise and smells are causing more.  The doctors are busy doing their thing trying to figure out what is causing the pain and giving him meds, but it still isn’t helping.  I just need strength to go through this again.  I’m trying to go with the wait and see attitude…I’m not going to get upset because we don’t know anything yet. But the mind wanders, worries brew and the heart aches…