Lymphoma of the bone marrow. This was what the doctor was telling us, but all I felt was a blow to the stomach and my lungs deflate. It was the most surreal moment. It was as though I was outside of my body watching the conversation unfold. I knew the doctor was speaking to us, and I knew I needed to hear everything he had to say, but I was somewhere else. I had to shake my head to return to the conversation and focus on his actual words. He gave us the prognosis and a brief description of a plan of action that really made no sense at the time. When he left the room, I had taken on a new role…caregiver.
I ran to my boys and hugged them all and then made all the necessary phone calls, where I repeatedly broke down sobbing. I took the boys home and began making plans for the next few days. I would hold it together in front of the boys, but when I stepped away I would break. At one point, talking to my sister explaining what was happening, I fell to the ground in front of my house, hyperventilating, asking why, why, why. This couldn’t be happening to us. I knew I was going to have to be stronger than I had ever been before in my life. I just didn’t know if I was capable of this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m one tough chick, but this was some serious shit and I had three boys and now a sick husband to take care of. I know it wasn’t the truth in the matter, but it was my reality…this was all on me. There was no room for me to make any mistakes. I had to be everything to everybody and I had to do it right…right now.
This was going to be a long tough road and we had no map to follow. We were heading out on an unknown path and I felt all alone, even though we were in this together.