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Part II

part 2

And then…

Lymphoma of the bone marrow.  This was what the doctor was telling us, but all I felt was a blow to the stomach and my lungs deflate.  It was the most surreal moment.  It was as though I was outside of my body watching the conversation unfold.  I knew the doctor was speaking to us, and I knew I needed to hear everything he had to say, but I was somewhere else.  I had to shake my head to return to the conversation and focus on his actual words.   He gave us the prognosis and a brief description of a plan of action that really made no sense at the time.  When he left the room, I  had taken on a new role…caregiver.

I ran to my boys and hugged them all and then made all the necessary phone calls, where I repeatedly broke down sobbing. I took the boys home and began making plans for the next few days.  I would hold it together in front of the boys, but when I stepped away I would break.   At one point, talking to my sister explaining what was happening, I fell to the ground in front of my house, hyperventilating, asking why, why, why.  This couldn’t be happening to us.  I knew I was going to have to be stronger than I had ever been before in my life.  I just didn’t know if I was capable of this.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m one tough chick, but this was some serious shit and I had three boys and now a sick husband to take care of.  I know it wasn’t the truth in the matter, but it was my reality…this was all on me.  There was no room for me to make any mistakes.  I had to be everything to everybody and I had to do it right…right now.

This was going to be a long tough road and we had no map to follow.  We were heading out on an unknown path and I felt all alone, even though we were in this together.

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